tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-41409363638168911202024-03-05T20:53:07.768-08:00Reformed Fat person….on my wayThe truth,feelings, the reality of being overweight. I have been on both sides of the fence and people are cruel if you are fat. I love who I am I just hate the form that holds my soul. Join me in my journey of getting my health and life back. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755601956550974123noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4140936363816891120.post-1519677296161549962014-09-12T20:23:00.000-07:002014-09-12T20:28:06.297-07:00I LOVED YOU PERFECTLY!! <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I was not a perfect mother, but I have perfect love for you! Each and everyone of you are a blessing and a blessing I have been honored to watch grow. Your journeys have just begun and I know your journey is whats going to "bring you happiness, it is not a destination." You have to stop and quiet your minds and live in the moment. My joy was watching all your precious moments and yes I remember them all. <br />
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Within your journeys I want each and everyone of you to know everything in your journey has a purpose and it is up to you to find it within you. I have done my job to the best of my ability and now it is time for me to step back and watch you continue on with your own individual journey, while I start my own new journey.<br />
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Life is not knowing, life is a mystery so stop trying to figure it out, enjoy the humor life has to offer because you can't know who you are until you let go of the fear of finding yourself within.<br />
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You; my children have also prepared me for what is coming next in my life and for that I am eternally grateful. Part of my new journey is to learn again how to love myself. I know each of you also has to learn that in different ways and I know and believe you have the tools to do just that.<br />
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Something I heard tonight besides what has inspired me to write this to you, might help in learning is this. "Your life is about developing the wisdom to apply the right leverage, in the right place ant the right time." <br />
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I believe and admire your beautiful souls, you are amazing people and I love you. If you feel I have wronged you in any way, I am sorry but as I said in the beginning I am not perfect, but I love you perfectly. <br />
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I have been waiting along time to find the right words to release my guilt of feeling, I have wronged you. But now I see, this was all meant to be, because your journeys in life needed these moments you lived to full fill what ever destiny you are meant to carry out, just as I am meant to carry out my new journey that all these lessons are teaching me.<br />
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I look forward to watching you grow even further in life. What an honor it is for me.<br />
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With all my love,<br />
Your Mother<span id="goog_2123410234"></span><span id="goog_2123410235"></span><br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755601956550974123noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4140936363816891120.post-83824273427522730302014-07-25T11:42:00.000-07:002014-07-25T11:42:21.126-07:00No Scale Moments<br />
62 pounds lighter and just over 3 months post op, I am feeling stronger every day. I find myself doing things I did not realize I did not do before. It is funny how I become a custom to doing things differently with all this weight on me compared to doing the same things when I was thinner. I guess it just comes naturally and you don't even realize you are doing it.<br />
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Let me explain for the ones who are confused by what I am saying. I have a friend who use to say "fat people don't walk around the parks in the summer down here in Florida." I realized the other day I use to follow that rule with out even realizing it. I went to Down Town Disney the other day and had really no trouble except sweating a lot, where I use to not go because I could not breath, my body could not take the heat and my knees would just not work. It was to miserable to go there. Another thing I found that has changed for me is the movie theater. Going to the movie is suppose to be enjoyable, but I found it to be uncomfortable. I would never tell my friends no, but it was a job for me. Walking to the theater alone was a chore. Once I got into the theater I was dripping in sweat from head to toe, then to sit in the seats, well let me just say they are not built for over weight people. I could not put my arms down because there is no room and I could not put them on the arm rest because I could not put the arm rest down. </div>
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After the movie sometimes we would go out to eat, I would always ask for a table because the booths were just as uncomfortable as the movie theater seats. I would have to squeeze in and because I am short my boobs would lay on the table top. UGH!! Sometimes I would seat at the end of the booth and turn slightly side ways so I would fit in better even though it made it difficult to eat. Don't even get me started on how people would watch to see what I ordered when the food came to the table. The stares are very hard to deal with. <br />
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I have a very dear friend that I did most of these things with and when people would see us together the whispers would start. Due to him being a male, I would hear things like what is he doing with her, I bet when they are having sex she hurts him or crushes him and he is so cute why would he be with her. Funny thing is we are just friends and nothing more. I always played it off as if it had something to do with our age difference and some times it was just that, but most of the time it was because of my weight. We always messed with peoples heads when they would start to stare, I don't think he ever saw this as a weight issue, because he excepted me for who I am and loved me for that. I don't think he ever heard the whispers because it is not something most people hear, unless you are over weight you learn to pay attention. Don't ask me why because I really don't know how that comes about, but it does. I have excellent hearing always have all my life, so it did not help that I could hear the quietest of whispers. But I started to learn the signs so I became more in tuned with it, I guess.<br />
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There is not one place you can go with out being laughed at or gawked at. But I noticed that I would not go into place that had a tight squeeze because I could not make it through. If I could not find a open path way, it was not going to happen. <br />
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I missed doing fun things and can't wait to get back to them. I can't wait to go on a zip line, go kayaking, ride the roller coaster rides again, and go shopping for fun cloths not the ugly things they make for overweight people. Sure if you have money to spend you can find nice outfits, but when you are not so wealthy the options are limited to UGLY!!<br />
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I have had a couple of moments where I realized that I am loosing weight even though I don't see it that have put a smile on my face. For an example I could tie my shoes right in the middle of the shoe intead of off to the side, because you can't reach over your belly to reach the laces properly. The picture you see are not my shoes but I wanted to give you an idea of what I am talking about. <br />
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I also watched a movie with my granddaughter laying on the floor. I have not done that in years, because being over weight you just can't do that without feeling miserable. I felt like a kid again doing that.<br />
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These things may sound simple to most people and I never thought I would experence situations like this ever in my life, but let me tell you it becomes a moment in your life you will never forget when you start to realize that you change everything you do becuase of weight. I never really realized it until now, when I started to do things like I remembered. It was an awaking experience. I am loving the No Scale Moments that are happening in my life. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755601956550974123noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4140936363816891120.post-6817216546379255362014-06-04T05:44:00.001-07:002014-06-04T05:44:27.958-07:00I Had to Remind Myself I have been so proud of myself and walking around with my head held high. I was even going to my sons graduation with confidence that I would not embarrass him. I was still holding my head up when I had a couple of short comings at the event because I felt really good about the weight I had lost already and was feeling thinner. <br />
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At the event we had to tackle 25 stairs (yes I counted) to get down to our seating area, I thought it was about to kill me. My knees have been bad and the pain sometimes unbearable. But I was not about to let that ruin my amazing day with my family. I bit my tongue and took each step down. I finally made it to my seat and was feeling good about being able to sit in the seat with out feeling like a cow; Let me fill you in why I was afraid of the seats. Outside before we entered the theater my daughter Jade told me the seats were bad, that they were small and you feel as you are sitting on top each other. I asked her if it was like a movie theater seat and she gave me the impression they are worse. All I could think of was great, all these people are going to see the cow try to wiggle into a seat. Well we reached our seats and I sat down and to my surprise I had no trouble and yes they were small, but I was good. I felt really good about myself at that moment. What a great day this is turning out to be for my self esteem, except for the stairs, but then again I was proud because I pushed through the pain.<br />
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Then it happened, while waiting for the ceremony to start my stomach decided to turn and when that happens I have seconds to make it to the bathroom. PS. I hope this goes away soon!! Not fun and can be very embarrassing. Well I had that flight of stairs to go up and hope to good the bathroom was available. My youngest son Emilio went with me to make sure I was OK.Thank the lord he was with me because he had to run back down to get my inhaler, the pain was causing me an asthma attack. I finally make it up the stairs and bump into a friend who wants to show me her new baby, I said what a beautiful boy and fastly walked away. I felt so bad to do that to her. I finally make it to the bathroom to find a line waiting to get in, I thought it was over for me and that I would be spending the day in the hot car alone feeling like a baby with shit in my pants. Then I remembered Jade going into the family bathroom next door, and of course as I reach it a man decides he is going into it. I started to cry because I could not hold a second longer and at that moment the guy opened the door and I ran in. I collected myself and put the smile back on my face, because today was not going to be ruined. But I did get my work out in, I had to defeat those stairs, 4 times. Each time I tackled them I was remembering when I would take two stairs at a time, and look at me now, basically crawling down the stairs.<br />
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Well the ceremony ended and we went out side to meet up with Dakota and of course take pictures, I did not hesitate this time to take the pictures because I was feeling confident about my weight loss. I felt so proud to be with my boys in the pictures, because they could be proud of me again.<br />
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Yesterday that came to a screaming holt because I finally was able to see one of the pictures of me. OMG!!! Nothing has changed. I am still huge and don't see any weight loss at all. What is everyone telling me? LIES?<br />
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Never in a million years when I was growing up did I ever think I would end up like this. I look back and ask my self how? Why? I know the answer to these questions but I should have realized I was important too. I should have gotten second opinions and I should have researched my options instead if listening to one doctor. But I was more concerned about spending the money on kids then myself. They needed everything more then me. They were the important ones. Now I realize I caused them more harm then good, because they watched their mother go from healthy to unhealthy and almost die. So how did that help them, it did not. I could have done so much more for them if I was not like this. I was a stay at home, but not the one who sat home on her butt kind of mom, even with all my health issues I pushed through everything to be there for them and do for them every step of the way. Not realizing I was embarrassing them everyday.<br />
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I spent a little over 15 years getting sicker and sicker and fatter and fatter. Even now as I sit here it is hard to look at that photo of me, but it is also reminding me of how hard I have to work to not allow the rest of my life to be wasted away. My children have so much more to do in their lives and so do I and I am not going to do it looking like an embarrassment to me or my family. STAYING POSITIVE!!!<br />
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I had to remind myself I am only a month and a half out of surgery and that every month will bring a better and healthier me back. I also have to remember that there is a reason I had to cross this journey, and some where in my future that reason will come to light. So for now I am going to believe the next momentous picture I take will be a healthier and more beautiful me. I am grateful for knowing I am an awesome and wonderful person on the inside and I know I seriously rock, it is just hard to see the carriage that carries this soul is in a serious need for a make over. I can at least say that like any other make over, it takes a little time and when it the new carriage is revealed I will be gasping in awe. <br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755601956550974123noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4140936363816891120.post-64576116275567322152014-05-28T07:11:00.002-07:002014-05-28T07:11:10.586-07:00Negativity brings negativityA lump in your throat would be easier to deal with than the sensation I felt today. (5/25/2014) I jinxed myself and allowed negative people get to me. I started to believe there was something wrong with me because I was not like everyone else in my place.<br />
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I belong to an on-line support group for my RNY and posted that I was one of the lucky ones, that since the day the doctor told me I could eat solid foods I have been able to eat what I want. Please don't take it wrong I am not talking about amounts, but about all types of food.<br />
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People are always saying diet, I can't eat this and I can't eat that I don't look at this as a diet, but about being true to myself. I want to enjoy what I eat because I only eat so much. My stomach can only hold a small amount, so why not enjoy every bite. So far there has been nothing that has upset my stomach or made me sick. So yes I am lucky or I have an Iron clad stomach.<br />
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YES, I refuse to say pouch!!! It is my stomach.<br />
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After I posted my statement I received negative comments about how I am really not that lucky. I tried to brush them off, but to no avail. So I deleted the post, because I refuse to have any negative atmosphere around me.<br />
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My Motto:<br />
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Negativity brings negativity, I refuse that scope of the spectrum. So I surround myself with positivity. Why? Because it brings positivity!!<br />
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Well, with that being said that brings me back around to what happened today. The negative energy made me second guess myself and believed I must be failing this too, because I am like everyone else or I will gain the weight back or not loose the weight or stretch my stomach back out. Today I was with my daughter and she had smoked pulled pork from a friend who had left overs from his restaurant. (Let me just say I am a meat Freak!!! I would eat meat over anything else in the world.) I only had a couple of bites, I mean only a couple, the meat was actually to dry. So I stopped eating it.<br />
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Then it hit me. I felt very ill and it felt like I eat to much. I could feel it in my throat all the way to my stomach. I could not get the sickening feeling to go away. I just wanted to throw up, it would not go down and it would not come up. I tried water, tea and any liquid to make it go away. I finally gave up and laid down on the couch. That is when all hell broke loose. Gaging and throwing up just a little bit and liquid for the next 2 hours or more. Then finally the horrible sensation went away.<br />
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After I received relief I remember the nutritionist telling me to always make sure your food is moist and never dry, specially meats.<br />
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Later I was finally able to eat dinner and I stuck to my sweet, moist dark chicken meat and mushrooms off the grill.. As I enjoyed my dinner I reminded myself to keep all that negative energy away from myself and to continue to believe in myself, because I am not like anyone else, I am me and I am powerful. Because others want to fall into that trap and bring others down does not mean I have to believe them. I am rocking the journey and I will continue on my own individual pathway of success, joy and desire.<br />
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I will have my health and body back and no one is going to stop me.<br />
As of 5/27/2014 I am a total loser of 45 lbs! <br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755601956550974123noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4140936363816891120.post-22885975577486822092014-05-15T10:08:00.000-07:002014-05-15T10:08:25.925-07:00Time to Readjust <br />
I am now into my 4th week and have lost 36 lbs. very excited to be getting back to the me I remember, the one I feel I am until I look into the mirror. I cant wait until I can say mirror mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all and the me I remember looks back at me. Maybe she will be a little bit older, but she will be wiser and know that she is beautiful. I always use to believe people when they said I was fat, because I was not the size 1. Well no more, I look back and now think I was just gorgous the way I was and if I would have believed it my self, I would have rocked what I had. This time I am much wiser and will not allow any fool to make me think I am any thing but fantastically beautiful.<br />
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In the mean time I am going though some transitions I never thought I would experience. The worst is the gas. I have been reading up on it and everyone claims it is because of the amount of protein I have to eat, but if you ask me that is BS, I seem to get gas no matter what I eat. I don't mean to sound gross but the smell is enough to gage the bravest of souls. I am sometimes am afraid to go any where for to long because of it. All the information I have read on it claims it will go away after about 8 months. It is because the body has to readjust to the small stomach area and reestablish the amount of acids it requires. Well I will not be able to stand myself or go to work with that lingering over my head. Just to give you an example of how bad this really is; again it is not just me but everyone else who has to go through this. I was laying on the couch the other day and the dog at my feet. With out warning like usual gas is released, it always surprises me for the most part, but the dog looked at me shook her head got up off the couch and walked away. As she walked away she looked back at me as if to say, "My god woman, I am a dog and I can't even stand that!!". I laugh now, but it made me realize at that moment how the hell am I going to go to work with this problem.<br />
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In my research I have found a couple of different things that are suppose to help with this and the smell. It is a deodorizer for your inners. One is called Devrom and the other is Chlorophyll liquid which is rather expensive. Devrom is hard to find, but CVS said they would order it for me, I sure hope it works. It is suppose to deodorize the smell before it leaves you body. The two of them claim to have a spearmint smell, so if my farts come out smelling like gum, I think that would freak me out too. So I guess I should by gum while I am at the store, so no one suspects anything. Thank the lord I can laugh at myself, because right now would be rather humiliating. I am always ready for a good laugh even at my expense.<br />
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Because I can only eat less then a half a cup of food at a meal, I have to choose very carefully to get something I really want, because if I eat more then I should I get what they call a dumping syndrome, where you either throw up or it comes out the other end very unpleasantly with much pain prior too. I have experienced both when I first started eating in the hospital and I will pass on either one again. Actually I take that back, the other day I eat one bit too much and I could feel it in my throat, very annoying, like a lump that would not go away, I keep trying to swallow and it just made it worse. I ended up running to bathroom, because I tried to use water to make it go down, well it decide to come up instead. So when people tell me I took the easy way out, I am here to tell you other wise, this is much harder. <br />
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You always hear people say they could live off a certain food, I myself use to say things like that. I love egg drop soup so much I thought I could live off it, well I am telling you that is farthest from the truth. After having liquids, Jello and Popsicles for three weeks straight with egg drop being my go too. I can't even look at egg drop soup right now!! Or Jello for that matter. People keep telling me it was not big deal and they could do it, I said the same before I went though it. Yes I did it, but to have broth for breakfast lunch and dinner was not appealing, it got to the point I would rather not eat then to eat another bite of broth. I have really learned to appreciate variety. <br />
<br />
I now attend a support group that my doctor has set up for his patients once a month, I really enjoy going and hearing the stories and other peoples situations and how they work through them. Except for one girl who talks though the whole meeting and once she gets started she never shuts up and treats the meeting like her personal therapy session. I finally got in the question about being tired and having no energy after periods of energy coming out my ears. Which I love, I hate the no energy issues, I hate being unproductive. I was told that it is expected for me to be tired, because I had major surgery and that my body is not use to eating so little and that it is a readjustment to the change. I laughed and told them, "hell there is no way my body is tired from not having food, because with this body there is enough to eat from then a grand buffet." I crack myself up sometimes.<br />
<br />
Well on that note, I need to go and get cleaned up because I am taking my son to, to take his ASFAB test today. Things are always changing around here lately. I just need to learn to readjust to them growing up and leaving home. Another very hard thing for me. <br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755601956550974123noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4140936363816891120.post-61278706905514253702014-04-14T17:00:00.001-07:002014-04-14T17:00:38.611-07:00WELL NOW THEY KNOW!!!I come out of the Doctors office after hearing all the good and the ugly
of this surgery, scared out of my wits, but knowing I have to just
saddle this horse and go for the ride. What is the first song that come
on the radio as I start the car. Fozen's Let it Go....I thank the lord
for giving me a sign!!! Still don't breathing, but I am believing now!!<br />
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After the surgery a new theme song will be added to my life. Ps. do you see a pattern with winter...LOL!!<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
Don't be the rule be the exception<br />
<br />
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Even when I was actually thin, I always thought I was fat. Specially in high school. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I have been waiting for this
next week for 6 month's, you think I would be prepared for this. I am so
excited to have my life back and scared at the same time. Why am I
scared? I think it is just the unknowing. I can't imagine myself thin
and healthy. More then half my life I was but I can't remember what it
was like. Stupid I know. Maybe after talking to the hospital today, it
will put me at easy with the surgery and then everything else should
calm down. PLEASE!!!! I really want the next journey to begin, because
it looks like it is going to be amazing!!!!<br />
<br />
<span class="fbPhotosPhotoCaption" data-ft="{"type":45,"tn":"*G"}" id="fbPhotoPageCaption" tabindex="0"><span class="hasCaption">I
believe that right now is the start of my quantum moment, when my past
is going to meet my future, that every thing has been built for this
next step in my life, I have been guided and taught for what is about to
happen in this new journey. New me, new career and new beginnings. You
wonder why things happen, well I think I am about to see why everything
has happens thus far.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span class="fbPhotosPhotoCaption" data-ft="{"type":45,"tn":"*G"}" id="fbPhotoPageCaption" tabindex="0"><span class="hasCaption"> </span></span><span data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:2"> </span><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body"><span class="UFICommentBody" data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0"><span data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$0:0">I
have embraced all the changes that have been coming my way and I am
loving every aspect of it. I was afraid of surgery because of the
anesthesiologist of the last surgery, big scare!! Even after going to
the hospital and talking to the new one, I was still if not more scared
then when I went in. After I left and I was driving home it hit me.
Nothing could be worse then what I have been living for the past 10
years. This is hell, not the operation. I have been given a path to a
new journey that will join the journey I have been on for the past 4
years and I am going to embrace it with everything I have.</span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body"><span class="UFICommentBody" data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0"><span data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$0:0">I am sure this sounds like a bunch of rambling, but they are thought that keep going through my head. </span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body"><span class="UFICommentBody" data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0"><span data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$0:0">Tomorrow is my surgery and I know I want whats coming my way. I am looking at all the wonderful things I am going to gain. I have dreams and desires I have yet to fulfill. I have given my all to my kids for the past 25 years and now I want to enjoy all the things I have been craving to do. </span></span></span><br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body"><span class="UFICommentBody" data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0"><span data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$0:0"><br /></span></span></span>
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body"><span class="UFICommentBody" data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0"><span data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$0:0">Everyone believes I am taking the easy way out, but there is no easy way out of this hell. What I have to go through to succeed most people would not be willing to do. I have too have so much dedication to make this work, specially because I don't want to get sick. What they describe happens to people is not something I want to experience. As I sit here writing this I am getting dizzy just thinking about it.</span></span></span><br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body"><span class="UFICommentBody" data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0"><span data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$0:0"><br /></span></span></span>
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body"><span class="UFICommentBody" data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0"><span data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$0:0">I am ready for my life to start a new journey and live it up!!</span></span></span><br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body"><span class="UFICommentBody" data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0"><span data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$0:0"><br /></span></span></span>
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body"><span class="UFICommentBody" data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0"><span data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$0:0">Sorry if this sounds so off the cuff and rambling, but that is where my head is right now. </span></span></span><br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body"><span class="UFICommentBody" data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0"><span data-reactid=".2.1:3:1:$comment10201855684218687_3165392:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.0:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$0:0"><br /></span></span></span>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755601956550974123noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4140936363816891120.post-87369606500015328632014-03-19T07:21:00.000-07:002014-03-19T07:21:12.429-07:00Frayed Knot<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-83bIpP00zDc/UykIQZIesJI/AAAAAAAAAQA/qFoiuQHx86g/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-83bIpP00zDc/UykIQZIesJI/AAAAAAAAAQA/qFoiuQHx86g/s1600/images.jpg" /></a></div>
I am a ball of emotions and feeling like a frayed knot, but am holding on by a thread. So much is going on right now, I am starting to feel like I am living a never ending Anxiety attack.<br />
<br />
I am three weeks out of my final days of my bachelors degree. It amazes me that it flew by, but felt like a life time. All while I am in a holding pattern for a new career in counseling. I have to have my bachelors degree to even begin. I am tired of leaving on the edge loosing everything. I am ready to start a new beginning.<br />
<br />
Then there is the surgery that is now 28 days away. I am scared, excited all at the same time.<br />
<br />
Then my son has decided to tell me he wants to join the military, I am excited for him and worried all at the same time. It goes on from there, this is list is just never ending right now. I am just a a wreck with emotions. I don't know if I should be scared, happy, worried, excited, nervous and so on and so on. Sometimes I wake up and I can't even breath, I have so much to do and little time to do it in, all while I am in pain because of my knees, which I just don't have time for. But have no choice when I can't walk.<br />
<br />
I just keep my focus on the moment and try to breath through it. I know what I want and I am going to get it, but for some reasons, beyond my control my body has decided to act up while my mind is yelling for everything to get in line and move forward with out all the stress factors that are going on. I feel like my mind and body is a war zone right now.<br />
<br />
I love these quotes they are helping me stay focused.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div id="r1PostCPBlock" style="background-color: white; border: medium none; color: black; left: -99999px; overflow: hidden; position: absolute; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="bqQuoteLink"><a href="http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/s/shawnjohns419404.html" title="view quote">I'm
trying to stay as calm as possible and focus one day at a time, but
when reality sets in, I feel everything: anxiety, excitement, nerves,
pressure and joy.</a></span></span>
<br />
<div class="bq-aut">
<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/s/shawn_johnson.html" title="view author">Shawn Johnson</a></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />Read more at <a href="http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/anxiety.html#fjzSCsqYrcJM8cRw.99" style="color: #003399;">http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/anxiety.html#fjzSCsqYrcJM8cRw.99</a></span></div>
<div id="r1PostCPBlock" style="background-color: white; border: medium none; color: black; left: -99999px; overflow: hidden; position: absolute; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="bqQuoteLink"><a href="http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/s/shawnjohns419404.html" title="view quote">I'm
trying to stay as calm as possible and focus one day at a time, but
when reality sets in, I feel everything: anxiety, excitement, nerves,
pressure and joy.</a></span></span>
<br />
<div class="bq-aut">
<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/s/shawn_johnson.html" title="view author">Shawn Johnson</a></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />Read more at <a href="http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/anxiety.html#fjzSCsqYrcJM8cRw.99" style="color: #003399;">http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/anxiety.html#fjzSCsqYrcJM8cRw.99</a></span></div>
<div id="r1PostCPBlock" style="background-color: white; border: medium none; color: black; left: -99999px; overflow: hidden; position: absolute; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="bqQuoteLink"><a href="http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/s/shawnjohns419404.html" title="view quote">I'm
trying to stay as calm as possible and focus one day at a time, but
when reality sets in, I feel everything: anxiety, excitement, nerves,
pressure and joy.</a></span></span>
<br />
<div class="bq-aut">
<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/s/shawn_johnson.html" title="view author">Shawn Johnson</a></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />Read more at <a href="http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/anxiety.html#fjzSCsqYrcJM8cRw.99" style="color: #003399;">http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/anxiety.html#fjzSCsqYrcJM8cRw.99</a></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I'm trying to stay as calm as possible and focus one day at a time, but when reality sets in, I feel everything: anxiety, excitement, nerves, pressure and joy.<br />Shawn Johnson</span></span></div>
<h1 class="quoteText" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">“So much of what is best in us is bound up in our
love of family, that it remains the measure of our stability because it
measures our sense of loyalty.” </span></span></span></h1>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Haniel Long </span></span></span></span></h1>
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I have always been a found lover of snowflakes, so when Frozen came out I had to go and see it, because of the snow flakes they keep showing. Boy did that movie have more to offer me then just pretty snow flakes. I can relate to the song Let it Go. It has become my theme song for my new journey in life. I have lost 25 years of my life and look forward to the years to come. I once explained it to someone, that for 25 years I was mom, I was not Beth, and I had no meaning, I only lived for my kids. I can't not tell you about anything that happened to me, but I can tell you all the amazing things that my kids did. I just did not exist.<br />
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The last years I remember before the kids came into my life was in my early 20's. Loving life!!! I did not come back to life until I was told I should have died that day four years ago. My 30's and half of my 40's are gone, not even a memory. It is almost like I was not even here. I never saw my self in a mirror, I never did anything for me, but I lived through my children. I know this seems confusing and I wish I could explain it better, but I can't. I feel as if I was abducted and just watch from a far what my kids where doing, and then all of sudden I was back here on earth 25 years later.<br />
<br />
So the movie Frozen has great strength for me. I am living the words let it go.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>"Let It Go"</b><br />
<br />
The snow glows white on the mountain tonight<br />
Not a footprint to be seen<br />
A kingdom of isolation,<br />
And it looks like I’m the Queen.<br />
<br />
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside<br />
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried<br />
<br />
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see<br />
Be the good girl you always have to be<br />
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know<br />
Well, now they know<br />
<br />
Let it go, let it go<br />
Can’t hold it back anymore<br />
Let it go, let it go<br />
Turn away and slam the door<br />
<br />
I don’t care<br />
What they’re going to say<br />
Let the storm rage on,<br />
The cold never bothered me anyway<br />
<br />
It’s funny how some distance<br />
Makes everything seem small<br />
And the fears that once controlled me<br />
Can’t get to me at all<br />
<br />
It’s time to see what I can do<br />
To test the limits and break through<br />
No right, no wrong, no rules for me<br />
I’m free<br />
<br />
Let it go, let it go<br />
I am one with the wind and sky<br />
Let it go, let it go<br />
You’ll never see me cry<br />
<br />
Here I stand<br />
And here I'll stay<br />
Let the storm rage on<br />
<br />
My power flurries through the air into the ground<br />
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around<br />
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast<br />
I’m never going back,<br />
The past is in the past<br />
<br />
Let it go, let it go<br />
And I'll rise like the break of dawn<br />
Let it go, let it go<br />
That perfect girl is gone<br />
<br />
Here I stand<br />
In the light of day<br />
Let the storm rage on,<br />
The cold never bothered me anyway</div>
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I will begin a new life and will enjoy every moment of it, as soon as I can get past all that is going on at once. Maybe I can breath again around mid June. The excitement is becoming over whelming!!!!</div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755601956550974123noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4140936363816891120.post-17317476087406357322014-03-18T08:23:00.001-07:002014-03-18T08:23:53.775-07:00Staying positive, is rather difficult at timesI am having a hard time staying positive. Some days are easier then others, but for the most part it is difficult. I know we are not suppose to look in the past because we can't change it, what is done is done, but I keep trying to see how I went so wrong.<br />
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Wrong is the operative word, I have caused so many wrongs in this life I don't know where to begin. I understand we learn from our mistakes, but how many mistakes I made and yet I have not learned or have I? I believe we are suppose to learn lessons while we are here, man I am learning some hard core lessons.<br />
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In the grand scheme of things, I am better then most, but no matter how we look at it we want the most out of this life that we can get. I look around me lately and I see so many very sad things happening to the people I love, it breaks my heart. I always thought being this miserable (meaning being over weight and not knowing how it happened) was the worst thing possible, but in reality it is a mere nothing. I am lucky to be here, enjoying what I have. <br />
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My little brother is over coming a brain injury and there might be somethings that he never over comes. I talk to him and see how miserable he is, because he can no longer be independent and live a life with out forgetting, being angry, and not knowing what is really going on around him. He lives everyday not knowing if the brain aneurysm will cause him his life or if he will require surgery again. My brother was involved in a hit and run accident on his motorcycle and was in a coma for 10 days, and does not remember the accident so nothing can be done in regards to who hit him. He hit the pavement with his head and broke many, many bones in his face, and the orbital eye socket was damaged so bad that he has difficulty seeing and sees double. He will require surgery for that and many other surgery's to fix all that is broken, but they will not do anything right now because fixing his brain is much more important then anything else. Come November they will tell him if there is any chance of having a normal life again. I know he is scared out of his mind.<br />
The really sad part is the fact that his insurance is running out and has no savings left and can't work, so how does he afford what has to be done? The government has put a hold on him because they are greedy!! But hey lets make sure the people who run our country has their health insurance for them and their whole family and make sure we foot the bill when we can't even afford it for our selves. Don't even get me started on that!!<br />
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I wrote this awhile back, but it still holds true today, every word. My count down begins to a life changing alteration in my life once again, but this one will be a positive one. I am scared and excited at the same time. Things are starting to change in my life, and I have to look at only the postive side of it, but I have been on the negative side for so long for MYSELF, I do not know how to change the channel. I have always been on the positive side for everyone else, and I have to believe it is time to take care of me. If I do not do this I will miss out on the last quarters of my life that could be oh so truly amazing.<br />
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My Instructor described it the best in class not to long ago and it so hit home for me. He stated that his life is like a hockey game and he is in the third quarter with sudden death not to far away. Since we are close in age, I truly relate. I am NOT GOING INTO SUDDEN DEATH, AND I WILL NOT ALLOW MY LIFE TO END ON THE THIRD QUARTER. I have so much to do now.<br />
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I will say this with all the conviction of my soul, I am going to stay postive even when it is difficult. I tell my self every day; there is always someone out there that has it worse then you, don't forget that. I will come through this journey stronger then I have ever been.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755601956550974123noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4140936363816891120.post-64169476988741258032014-03-17T11:19:00.000-07:002014-03-17T11:23:32.168-07:00Do We Know Who We Really Are Ever?Do we know who we really are ever? Just when you think you know things change, you change. I don't think we ever stay the same person all our lives. The song by Supertramp; the logic song really makes you wonder who you are.<br />
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I believe I am starting to change again and I don't know the out come at this point, for an example; Today I was having a discussion about how I am tired of everyone just walking over me, and that I started to speak up. You really have to push me past my breaking point before I say something, then I feel sorry and guilty for having said anything at all. I realized today that I am more like Sonny in Grease, specially the scene when he is speaking to his friends while he is running his mouth and gets caught by Principal McGee. It is kind of ironic because I am at a point in my life where I feel like I am tired of the crap. So when he states, '
I just not going to take any of her crap thats all, I don't take no crap from nobody' that is how I feel right now. But the old me would have done exactly what Sonny did when Principal McGee came around the corner.<br />
<a href="http://youtu.be/aUNq34kNR0M"><span style="color: black;">(</span> http://youtu.be/aUNq34kNR0M</a> just in case you want to see the scene)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5V_cXTaky434GR9XXCUZwDf2QeFFkcYLZRh5sIRVGKXPOitSpQk98wFRbqe7-9ruDoPzpLL71SqA18aGJZNnOUijavnkwiMmx7VVFSauhQ1qkinXSO91zyvcyWYibRQ823hBbmtqOANA/s1600/sonny.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5V_cXTaky434GR9XXCUZwDf2QeFFkcYLZRh5sIRVGKXPOitSpQk98wFRbqe7-9ruDoPzpLL71SqA18aGJZNnOUijavnkwiMmx7VVFSauhQ1qkinXSO91zyvcyWYibRQ823hBbmtqOANA/s1600/sonny.jpg" /></a>Funny how life changes because in my younger years I felt like I was more like Rizzo, not the slutty part that she seems to portray, but the aggressive out going person who was always out to get things done and have a good time doing it, I need to get back to that high self esteem that I have inside of me. Since I have put on this weight I am afraid to go out there and portray that personality unless you know me. I have been shot down, made fun of, passed over and worst of all looked down at with disgust. I know I am a wonderful person and do amazing things when I am not hiding from others, but the looks always remind me of my shame and the disgust of my self; as I stated before I can't even look at my self in a mirror or window and god forbid I see my shadow. UGH!!!<br />
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Funny thing is I use to have my hair cut like this most of my life. I miss being that strong. In 30 days I will be under the knife to get my life and health back. I am scared as hell and excited all at the same time. I am afraid of the unknown, this is not something I have ever experienced and when you hear the horror stories it really makes one wonder if I am doing the right thing. Yet, I know I am, Sorry if I am confusing you, but I am confused myself at this point, so many emotions running through my head every day, I don't know if I am coming or going. I do know I am looking forward to feeling real again, and not that lonely girl in the corner just letting life pass her by.<br />
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I look forward to not taking medicine every day, not sleeping with a mask over my face every night, not feeling disgusted when I have to get in the shower or brush my teeth because I might accidentally look in the mirror. I really can't wait to feel what it is like not to worry if I laugh, sneeze or cough and end up peeing my self. One of my most embarrassing moments is when I first gained all this weight after my year of steroids. We were just coming home from a weekend at Indiana beach with the family, there had to be about 20 of us. We stopped to have lunch together before we all had to go separate ways to get home. My asthma was really acting up and I ended up going into a coughing attack at the table in a crowded restaurant. The next thing I know I am peeing all over myself, and I am not talking a little bit. Sorry for this, but it is the only way to describe it. It was running down the chair and on to the floor. Everyone was now staring at me because I was coughing so hard, when my girl friend realized what was happening to me. she saw the tears running down my face and the scared look of horror between the coughs. she looked down at the floor and saw it just flowing down. I know everyone in the restaurant saw it too after all the noise I was making with my coughing and people were looking over at me. My girlfriend quick grabbed my husbands jacket, because it was the only thing big enough to shield me. I was too afraid to get up and too afraid to stay, a feeling I never want to feel again. As I said above I can't wait to not have that fear in my life anymore. I don't go places that are far from a bathroom and I always wear dark pants just in case. funny how I can be excited to be normal again. I will end on this note for now. <br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755601956550974123noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4140936363816891120.post-16334170753905604482014-01-21T09:34:00.002-08:002014-01-21T09:48:34.034-08:00My Suit of Armor They say I wear this armor of fat because I am not letting go of something in my past. I know this maybe true even though of my medical conditions. I am not sure what that could be though. I search and search in my past to find the cause. Just not sure where to pinpoint the problem.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEeRb_T3kIVb09Cyr9x_p53SF7gHL33L_gyNYE6xUiCgkWA5PVpXJarC1g9SCIeMtKecr_-EfJHp7mPCYZHfVhg0LcB2d1wDf6RCkmAIyw_msNT3JMOH0RTCp0ijz3Jcmp02B0a9eccGw/s1600/72330_10152196033290864_1108547910_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEeRb_T3kIVb09Cyr9x_p53SF7gHL33L_gyNYE6xUiCgkWA5PVpXJarC1g9SCIeMtKecr_-EfJHp7mPCYZHfVhg0LcB2d1wDf6RCkmAIyw_msNT3JMOH0RTCp0ijz3Jcmp02B0a9eccGw/s1600/72330_10152196033290864_1108547910_n.jpg" height="200" width="132" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Crowned Queen by my granddaugher Ailina </td></tr>
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Is it because my uncles called me buffalo butt when I was a teenager? Was it because my dad was not in my life? Is because my family was not the most loving family in the world? Was it because my brother use to get beat on a regular basis because he was being a boy? Did my husband not being excepted by my family cause this? When everyone of my children were born, it was not a happy moment in my families lives and that I was left alone each and every time? When I finally married Mark no one really wanted to be there, because it was not a special day too my family? Or maybe because my husband wanted to be in the bars and with other woman then me? The list could go on and on, but maybe it was not just one thing, just maybe it is a combination of all of them. After all this I then became ill enough to realize I could not keep ignoring it, I had to seek a doctor.<br />
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I hated that I had to find a doctor to help me, because it was more important to me to spend the money on my kids, not on me. At this point I was over weight, but not enough to be crazy about, even though I was always trying to loose the "baby" fat. No matter what I did, I could not loose it, even though I was always on the go with the kids, walking miles, swimming all the time, hiking...never had time to sit down with 4 on the go kids.<br />
<br />
I found a doctor and was told I had Grave's Disease and that I had to disolve my thyroid to stop it. So I listen; biggest mistake of my life. Well one of the effects of Graves disease is problems with my eyes, I started to see double and my eye went off finding its own way in life, hence the reason I look so funny. Well they were going to fix that and put me on serious amounts of steroids. After a year of steroids and my body doubling in size, my eye was still living its own wayward life.<br />
<br />
So here I sit, double in size, wearing a funny eye and wondering why I still wear this armour no matter what I do. Every time I get on a roll and see success happening in my life, I end up in the hospital with some operation, and I end up back at square one. After about 4 operations, I sit here waiting for an operation that they say will fix all these problems that I carry around with me. The weight will be gone, the pills will be gone sleep apnea will be gone and my health will be back. I pray everyday this waiting time goes by fast, because I want to get back to feeling good.<br />
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In the mean time, I sit here and wonder about the emotional part of this. I see a counselor every week trying to figure out what weighs so heavy on my heart. I know I am a very emotional person, my mother tells me all the time to stop being the victim, stop felling so much, suck it up. I have tried but that is not who I am. I know my mother is one of the strongest woman I have meet, but I don't want to be so tough. I like who I am, I like that I wear my heart on my sleeve, that is who I am.<br />
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With that said, I have to say the hardest thing I think I live with; because it comes up time and time again with my Doctor, is my kids. I have such love for them that I find it hard not to do everything for them. I fix all their problems since I could remember. I never asked them to do or be anything more then kids. I did everything. I see now that I did more harm then great, because I never gave them a chance to make mistakes, to learn from lessons and to be responsible human beings. Today they are young adults and teenagers and I can't stop. The hardest part for me is the fact that I love them more then they will ever love me and I don't know how to stop trying to do everything for them, I want to make their lives great, but I can't because they don't want to listen to me anymore. I really messed up.<br />
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Today I sit here and realize I have to stop, I have to allow them to do what they are going to do. It is their lives and they have to live them, they have to make mistakes, they have to learn now, when they should have learned when they were little and I still could protect them. Now they are adults and I can't protect them if it gets bad enough. How could I have been so stupid? I truly believe this is why I wear this armour of fat. I am afraid to go on with my life, even though I want to, because if I leave them behind (in the sense of the word) and go on with my life, how will I protect all the damage I have done?! I have to trust that when the time comes they will hear my voice in the back of their memories to do the right thing. I have to tell my self, I can go on and still be here when they want to talk or get advice, but I have to go on.<br />
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This is my year of abundance, I have been here for everyone all along, now it is time for me to be here for me. I am ready for this and I will keep dealing with all my regrets and embrace them and except what I can't change. I know they are amazing kids, they just have to realize they are and start living their lives with out mommy fixing everything. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwhGKYCaWLZk2l6lFyqsb9bT4k0pKbFsCH38S-JmwDbmSO0qsaLRKJFTedog4iod1NcLH-d8zgm_nyD5XqmJ88icevaa37AGubsc0aGwniSiu-056wtGFyuLxhSpyvJPKKxGPVFlGityE/s1600/HALLOWEEN2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwhGKYCaWLZk2l6lFyqsb9bT4k0pKbFsCH38S-JmwDbmSO0qsaLRKJFTedog4iod1NcLH-d8zgm_nyD5XqmJ88icevaa37AGubsc0aGwniSiu-056wtGFyuLxhSpyvJPKKxGPVFlGityE/s1600/HALLOWEEN2.jpg" height="276" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My Babies,except Jade and I am pretty sure she is working the camera as always</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755601956550974123noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4140936363816891120.post-67509076986726401572013-12-27T21:37:00.000-08:002013-12-27T21:37:47.634-08:00I BLINKEDToday I saw a post that said if you could go back and tell your younger self something in three words what would you say. I really sat there and could not think of just three words to sum it all up, I typed quite a few things and keep deleting them, then I remembered a country song called Don't Blink. In reality more then money that is the most important thing to remember. <br />
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I BLINKED!!! I hate myself for it. I have been going to a therapist and trying to figure out why I am so upset with my life, why I feel so much guilt, why I wear my guilt as an armour. Why I can't forgive my self for all the things I have done. Mind you I did not do anything evil or wrong, but hate that I did not do the things I think of now that would have been more useful in my past. Life happened and I let it, and now as I sit here I have a hard time remembering it all. I blinked!! I am trying very hard these days to not ever blink again, but because I did not secure my future, it makes it more difficult now. I keep telling my self this too shall pass, but I am loosing time.<br />
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I keep trying to tell my kids not to blink but they are not listening to me, just as I would not listen to my mother when she gave me advice. I wish she would have told me not to take things for grated, but she did not. I would hope that I would have listened to her at some point in my life when the words would ring back.<br />
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I look back and at some points in my life I only see blackness, the memories are not there, I know I lived them, I know I was there, but it is all such a blur. Why did I let this happen? Why did I just walk through life? Questions I can't seem to answer.<br />
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Life is not a dress rehearsal we don't get to go back and say I want another take, I said my lines wrong lets go through it again. Why did I not think of these words when I was a teenager? My life would be more memorable, times not forgotten. I would not feel this pain in my heart and want to cry over the moments lost. I wish I could explain it more, but it is just one of those feelings that you just can't explain.<br />
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As I sit here I can hear my granddaughter laughing and I am trying to embrace the memory, because I can't remember my children's laughter. I do remember thinking, "I will never forget these moments", but I did forget. How did that happen? The guilt ways heavy on me every day!<br />
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If anyone gets anything out of this, please, please remember not to blink! Life happens so fast. Amazingly as I write this sentence I am reminded of me being in John Muir Elementary school in Hoffman Estates in math class and the teacher asked us to do a math problem using our selves. The problem was, how old will you be in the year 2000. I remember doing the math and thinking 36 is so far away, and man will I be old. I look back now and see how fast 36 has come and gone and that is not old. I see now that was just a flash of time, it happened so quick, in reality I BLINKED.<br />
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So Don't Blink! Life goes like a bullet....to fast. Give love, respect. Take a moment and listen to this song, it will be well worth your 5 minutes and 7 seconds.<br />
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<a href="http://youtu.be/4f0p5KqdU9U">http://youtu.be/4f0p5KqdU9U</a><br />
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Boy is my psychologist in for a ride next week, now that I came up with. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755601956550974123noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4140936363816891120.post-83470149376196838382013-12-26T09:06:00.000-08:002013-12-26T09:06:54.650-08:00I KNOW THE VESSEL THAT MY SOUL IS IN, IS FAR FROM ATTRACTIVE....Months ago I told everyone about a journey that I have started and I am now at the end of my fourth month, I have been excited and scared all at the same time. As I get closer to the 6th month waiting period I grow more and more positive that this will bring my health life back. Today after a along exhausting month for me I sit and look at the moments of the past couple of days and just want to sit down and cry. Both from the joy and peace it brings me, but also from the disgust of the pictures that were taken.<br />
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This event was very dear to my heart, we worked with a church to help the homeless children have Christmas Dinner and Receive presents from Santa. I started a toy drive because my granddaughter wanted me to help her achieve a goal for her beauty pageants that she is involved with. We named our project the Mele Kalikimaka because of Ailina's name and heritage of her great grandmother. In these pictures Ailina is crowning me Queen of the Mele Kalikimaka Angel Project. Needless to say I cried and laughed with pure enjoyment. Then I saw the pictures and cried because of how bad I look. I know the vessel that my soul is in, is far from attractive and I always seem to forget that because I love the soul that is carried within it. <br />
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Last night I was not going to allow anyone to post these pictures and to be all honest there was some that I did not allow. I was afraid what others are saying and I am sure they are saying things like: OMG what happened to her, what a Fat A**, she really looks bad and so forth. To be truthful I am excepting this because for some reason I was meant to be on this journey. I have seen both sides of the fence; I don't like this side; but I have to learn what ever lesson I was meant to learn to continue on with life. <br />
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Every month I go to the doctor I cry about how I look and feel health wise and he is constantly reminding me of how it is not all my fault, that there is factors I have no control over, at first I did not believe him because I have alway blamed myself. Then I started to see after 5 months what he was talking about. I see the roller coaster of the weight on and off, I loose 20 to 30 pounds and then next month I gained it all back. I am starting to understand and learn what he is talking about hence the reason why I am going full blown with the surgery because I am not succeeding on my own, I need this to jump start my metabolism.<br />
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Also in these pictures you can see the effects of the Grave's Disease had on me, my eye. I hate this the most!! I was always so proud of my eyes and now they look funny!! I am hoping that when I loose weight it will not look as bad as it does.<br />
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I love myself but have been told if I did I would not look the way I do. So we are clear I am an example of a fat person who does love who they are. Don't get me wrong I do have guilts of things I have done in my life when it comes to my kids (guilt of not giving them a better life, I could have given them more opportunities then I did because of my income level and chooses I made to stay in a bad relationship) and I am learning to forgive my self every day, but that has nothing to do with not thinking I am an awesome person. I am the first one to get out in front of everyone and put myself out there, because in my mind I am not fat, I am not gross to look at, and I am not FAT!! But pictures do not lie and I have my moments when I stop and look at them, as I said before I do not look in mirrors it is to hard for me, so I tend to forget that I carry around TWO of me every day. Today is one of those days.<br />
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I just keep reminding my self that life is going to change for me again in a couple of months and to not give up on all that I am doing. Not having a job right now is not helping because I can't get to my Zumba classes, but hopefully that will change in the next week or so and I will be working again and all will be right in the world. Then I will be back to my Zumba classes that I love and look like fool in. I specially love when my son does them with me. In the mean time I have been doing home yoga sessions. In the new year, I will have the room to do morning yoga at home and that will make a world of difference for me, even if if just stretches me out. <br />
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I have chosen to BELIEVE (my favorite word) that this year is the year of ABUNDANCE!!<br />
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I BELIEVE!!!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><3 ALWAYS!!! <3 </td></tr>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755601956550974123noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4140936363816891120.post-46881543058203717812013-09-26T20:24:00.000-07:002013-09-26T20:24:34.076-07:00ZUMBA BaBy!!!<div style="text-align: center;">
I went to my first Zumba class tonight and what a class it was, Zumba out side on an amazingly wonderful night. Nothing but butt kicking dancing, Love all the Hispanic dances!! It really keep me up beat and made the time fly. The instructor is just insane and with an awesome spirit!! </div>
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My girlfriend was bragging about it on-line so I decided to give it a try, it is aways from the house, but after going it was well worth the drive. I was really nervous about going and really thought I could not do this. I am sure I was the biggest woman there, but they made be feel welcomed and encouraged me, even the instructor keep giving me looks of encouragement and signals that I was doing well. The fear started to melt away and I started to really enjoy myself.</div>
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Mind you I did not do most of the moves, but I keep moving even if it was wrong. </div>
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Over time they will come, but I have to say even through all the pain I had a smile on my face. </div>
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As I watch most of the women there, they were really getting into it and it gave me encouragement to know that one day soon I will be like them once again. </div>
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I had to put my knee brace on as soon as I arrived home, but that is OK, because I know one day I will be throwing this thing away. My heart sunk as soon as I saw my picture on face book doing Zumba, I thought OMG, I felt so thin while I was doing the classes, but pictures do not lie. As this words escaped my mouth, my son told me to stop, he asked me why I was down grading myself? I told him look, pictures don't lie and boy that is one fat mama. Then I got told! Mom, stop! You are out there doing it and that is all that matters. Boy he told me didn't he? I just have to remember the body that I possess right now is not the body I will possess forever, I will have my life back...a healthy sexy me again. </div>
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So I remind my self every day, I love my life and I sure in the hell Love ME!!</div>
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Loving life!! MUMS POWER all the way!! </div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755601956550974123noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4140936363816891120.post-82327963731693566222013-09-12T23:26:00.000-07:002013-09-12T23:26:09.971-07:00A giving heart<h5 class="uiStreamMessage userContentWrapper" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}">
<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3,"tn":"K"}"><div class="uiScaledImageContainer photoWrap" style="clear: right; float: right; height: 149px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; width: 184px;">
<img alt="When I start to feel sorry for myself and wish I had things like owning my own home, or a new car, or having loads of money in the bank, I some how get reminded rather quickly to knock it off. You never know who maybe sitting next you wishing they had your problems and not the ones they live with. Today I had a very specially lady who I have only spoken to over emails and maybe a couple of times over the phone, send me an email telling me she left thing in the garage because she heard I could use them or be able to give them to people who are in need.
Every day I go to school I have special souls around me who are homeless and yet find away to go to school to change their lives. I help them every chance I get with some other very special people who work with me. The things this special lady left me in her garage as she heads back home to the UK was my reminder of what I truly see as important, being there for each other, because you see I can take that with me, materialistic things I can not.
Don't get me wrong I truly will enjoy my home when I buy one and any other special things that may come my way, but I will always enjoy the love I receive from those who truly matter." class="img" height="149" src="https://fbcdn-photos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/1240420_10200579767921577_1689343776_a.jpg" style="left: 0px;" width="185" /></div>
<div>
<span class="userContent">When
I start to feel sorry for myself and wish I had things like owning my
own home, or a new car, or having loads of money in the bank, I some how
get reminded rather quickly to knock it off. You never know who maybe
sitting next you wishing they had your problems and not the ones they
live with. Today I had a very specially lady who I have only spoken to
over emails and maybe a couple of times over the phone, send me an email
telling me she left thing in the garage because she heard I could use
them or be able to give them to people who are in need. <br /> <br /> Every
day I go to school I have special souls around me who are homeless and
yet find away to go to school to change their lives. I help them every
chance I get with some other very special people who work with me. The
things this special lady left me in her garage as she heads back home to
the UK was my reminder of what I truly see as important, being there
for each other, because you see I can take that with me, materialistic
things I can not.<br /> <br /> Don't get me wrong I truly will enjoy my
home when I buy one and any other special things that may come my way,
but I will always enjoy the love I receive from those who truly matter.</span></div>
<div>
<span class="userContent"> </span></div>
<div>
<span class="userContent">On a side note, I received a call from my Primary Doctor today to tell me he received information from the surgeon and he wants me in his office to discuss this. I am taking this as a very positive thing, because he knows how bad I want to do this to get my health back. I have felt like a failure up until a couple of weeks ago, I thought how come I could not do what should come naturally. I am learning there are many reasons why and no matter what I do I will not achieve that goal with out the help of surgery. </span></div>
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<span class="userContent"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="userContent">I am not sure if I have said this before, but my metabolism has basically stopped. I have so many medical problems they just keep growing and my metabolism has given up. I know a lot of you are sitting out there saying bull-ony, but I am saying this in laimens terms because I have given up trying to understand all the medical terms I have gone through over the years. It all started when the dissolved my thyroid, because with hypothyroidism I contracted Graves Disease and I lost control of my eyes, not the norm way where your eyes bulge out, but I have lost muscle control in one of my eyes and I see double all the time, and it takes everything I have to keep it under control, but that has taken many years, hence the reason for being on steroids for over a year., hence the weight. Well my eye is not fixed and I am fat and the problems just started to grow. Any ways I really don't want to get into all that right at the moment because I am happy that this surgery is rolling along. I pray every night that nothing gets in my way, because once my metabolism kicks back in I can get my health back and be able to do all the activities I use to love, and this weight will never return. </span></div>
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<span class="userContent"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span class="userContent">Monday I go back into see my doctor and I pray that this new journey is moving along so I can get the surgery done in November and be able to start the new year with a new fix on life. </span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755601956550974123noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4140936363816891120.post-15843980713070065182013-09-11T21:39:00.000-07:002013-09-12T20:46:05.211-07:00Rememberence As the bell toled the tears started to flow, faintly in the distance I could hear the sirens sound, memory of all those people on this day still breaks my heart. All the loved ones lost for ones personal gain, how said life has become when money and power has greater value then life. Life has value, life has meaning how can it be take away for greed? Dear Lord, keep humanity in your heart and bring it back to the people of this world.<br />
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After having to pull over because the emotions over came me, I thought of a man whom I see every day as I drive to work, I enjoy seeing him and today seemed more important then ever. I dried my tears, gained my composure and pulled back on to the road, my goal was to see this wonderful man today. Evey morning on a rather busy road that is an outlet from Poinciana I see a gentleman walking his two rottweilers as he walks down the side walk with these majestic dogs he waves good morning to ever car that goes by with a smile on his face and joy in his heart, you can see this by his actions, this is something he truly enjoys, very warm and touching to see.<br />
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Today I really needed to see him and wave to him like I do every morning he is in my view, he walks a great distance so I am not always lucky to have him be in the area I drive. I needed to see humanity at its finest, the joy of loving life and giving back to his fellow man with a simple gesture of hello, good morning with a smile. As I turned on to Pleasant Hill road, I started to watch for him, yet he was not there, as I turned down my street I hesitated and looked further down the road to see if I just missed him, but he was not there.<br />
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I would like to stop one day just to tell him how he makes my day every morning. Today would have been that day, but I am sure he was home with his loved ones in rememberence of today. I can tell you I am not the only one, because the regulars who travel down the road always give him a friendly beep with a wave out the window. He offers nothing but a simple gesture to all he passes and that simple geasture could change someones life. A lesson everyone needs to learn.<br />
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<span class="fbPhotosPhotoCaption" data-ft="{"type":45,"tn":"*G"}" id="fbPhotoSnowliftCaption" tabindex="0"><span class="hasCaption">I
said I would stop and get his picture, but he was to far away from my
intersection, so I pulled off to the side of the road and took the only
picture I could today, he saw me and yelled across the street Good
morning have a nice day and as always with a hug wave and big smile.
Made my day!! (UPDATED 9/12/2013)</span></span> </div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755601956550974123noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4140936363816891120.post-35690090948007103732013-09-07T16:21:00.001-07:002013-09-07T16:21:09.566-07:00Can I Face this Challenge? <!--[if !mso]>
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<div style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Algerian;">Monday is right
around the corner, this will be my first appointment with the doctor who says
he can change my life, again. I am always Leary when a Doctor says he can help
me. I always had one doctor my whole life and when I moved away I never went to
a doctor as I said before. When I finally did because I was tired and had no
sex drive (my husband was not understanding and went elsewhere) oh yeah, and my
hair was falling out. The doctor fixed me alright, dissolved my thyroid and put
me on steroids to fix my eye from the Graves’ disease. Then It all went downhill
from there. I was still tired, my hair was still falling out and sex was not
even in my vocabulary. but to top it all off other problems started to pile on.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: purple;">
</span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Algerian;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I gained so much weight I could not
even look at myself in a mirror any more, and still can't to this day. Do you
even know how hard that is, everywhere seems to be a reflection?</span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 5.0pt; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 1.0in; margin-top: 5.0pt;">
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Algerian;">Going off the path for a moment, my
bank has these new drive ups that have video cameras going so you can see the
teller up close and personal, but when he walks away the camera reverts back to
you and you see yourself. cREEPY!! Especially when you can't stand the
sight of yourself, my son loves it, he sits and makes all kinds of faces and
enjoys his reflection.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 5.0pt; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 1.0in; margin-top: 5.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: purple;">
</span><div style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Algerian;">Back to what I
was saying; then the fun really began. I could no longer sleep and started to
hallucinate, it scared the hell out of me and my family. I was the only one who
could drive and I would fall asleep at the wheel. I had to stop driving when it
was bad, because I was so afraid. My kids would grab the wheel and yell mom, I
was stuck between a rock and and a hard place, I had no one to help me get my
kids where they needed to be. I can hear you now, but I had to keep going, I
had no choice. Please don’t judge! I am just being plan honest, I had no other
choice at the time. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: purple;">
</span><div style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Algerian;">over time
brought on the heart problems. The final topper was three and half years ago,
when I could not come out of one of my episodes, I could hear everything around
me and even talk to my kids when they finally got home. But I could not wake
up, I am not sure to this day if I called my husband or if the kids did, but I
remember saying or thinking I am dying. I don't remember anything except
when I realized I was in the ER waiting for the doctors, I was able to open my
eyes look around and that was it, gone again. The next thing I remember is
waking up in my hospital room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is
where I learned how bad I was. I have congestive heart failure and am lucky to
be alive, I already I knew I had asthma, but then the laundry list just started
to grow.</span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: purple;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDjNtb-4xDT8lgXKPlhkz35eAHNzO4djaCQeGw608DsMkphCvZUTBRbSLhtSHn3xowq-P3JCwENz9pKA5A1Q6h0AO3bNz7VY55Jpk4g1rMEC2Y4InMZhZ-EwCafxTbfSolGG-lc38-cuw/s1600/P1011272.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDjNtb-4xDT8lgXKPlhkz35eAHNzO4djaCQeGw608DsMkphCvZUTBRbSLhtSHn3xowq-P3JCwENz9pKA5A1Q6h0AO3bNz7VY55Jpk4g1rMEC2Y4InMZhZ-EwCafxTbfSolGG-lc38-cuw/s320/P1011272.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div>
<span style="color: purple;"> </span><div align="center" style="text-align: center; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Algerian; mso-no-proof: yes;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Algerian;"></span></span></div>
<span style="color: purple;">
</span><div align="center" style="text-align: center; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Algerian;">This was right before I went into the hospital;
the only thing amazing about this picture is my babies around me. </span></span></div>
<span style="color: purple;">
</span><div align="center" style="text-align: center; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Algerian;">(p.s. I still can’t believe I am letting you see
me)</span></span></div>
<div align="center" style="text-align: center; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: purple;">
</span><div style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Algerian;">I still have
these problems, and I am fighting them every day, every time I think I am
making head way, I end up back in the hospital again. I look like a gutted pig
on my stomach and the other day I realized I don’t even have a belly button
anymore, because of the amount of surgeries. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You ask how did I just notice this? Well, it
is easy I don’t look in the mirror and I hate touching any part of my body that
is huge, i.e. my stomach. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: purple;">
</span><div style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Algerian;">I walk around in
a cloud most of the time because it is easy to forget the hell I go through
every day. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Probably not the smartest
thing I could have done, but I did not know what else to do. I had to take care
of the kids and they were always my priority. They are older now and I am
starting to realize if I don’t take care of me, I will not be around to see
them become amazing people and I will not be able to love my grandbabies from
the grave. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: purple;">
</span><div style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Algerian;">I am sorry if
this seems like I ramble, but I have so much to say and when I write this I
feel like a load has been lifted off my shoulders. Today I actually walked
around with my son, not caring what other said or did behind my back. Most
people who know me will be surprised by this, because I have always walked
around with a persona of not caring what other think and I have taught<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>my kids that, but deep down inside it hurts,
and it hurts bad. </span></span></div>
<span style="color: purple;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 5.0pt; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: .5in; margin-top: 5.0pt;">
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Algerian;">Another side note, to give you an
example of the pain of words has on me. I was out with the family and pulled
into a 7-11 some guy with a pickup truck came flying out of the parking spot
and when I beeped at him to let him know that he almost hit me and to stop, he
backed up further and pulled up to my window and said, “slow down bitch the
chips will still be there when you get in.” and then he flew off. I did not let
the kids see me, but when I got home I hide and cried like no other. I can
still hear his words and they go straight to my core. </span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 5.0pt; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: .5in; margin-top: 5.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: purple;">
</span><div style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Algerian;">Funny thing is I
feel as thin as a rail in my head, but reality hits and I see the truth, but I
know this journey is for a reason, and we always don’t know what the reason is
right away and in my case it has been a long time, but something tells me the
truth will be known soon. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: purple;">
</span><div style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Algerian;">I have to remember the saying I tell all my young
students I help at school, “What would you do if you were not afraid?” </span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
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</xml><![endif]-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755601956550974123noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4140936363816891120.post-19530006103125499472013-09-06T19:13:00.002-07:002013-09-06T19:13:47.675-07:00Scared<span style="font-size: small;">I am really scared to start this, but here it goes. My name is Beth and I am 40 something; sorry I will not even tell my self the truth of my age. I was a stay at home mom for more years then I can even believe. I will not lie it was the most important job I could do in life. I was far from perfect put I did the best for my kids that I could. I have made many mistakes, but my goal was to give my kids the best childhood I could. They were and are the most important thing in my life, people use to call me an earth mom; I guess because I kind of resembled one after awhile. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj32q_oNPxf52tPDbRQ82ym8QSeEsgALEDX7XnlwPp1-miNvwBa00Tr9qomPwZ5B3ZS73vv8EXAhVjCPKfLJ2Q5oM46EDtiPfdBqZRugqaOyDvMBiut4go_wojg6jD1NX_IDSinL7YaHh8/s1600/tumblr_mmtgwwlZJl1r0cv1vo1_250.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj32q_oNPxf52tPDbRQ82ym8QSeEsgALEDX7XnlwPp1-miNvwBa00Tr9qomPwZ5B3ZS73vv8EXAhVjCPKfLJ2Q5oM46EDtiPfdBqZRugqaOyDvMBiut4go_wojg6jD1NX_IDSinL7YaHh8/s200/tumblr_mmtgwwlZJl1r0cv1vo1_250.jpg" width="119" /></a></span></div>
In many ways it was a complement, because they could not believe everything evolved around my kids in my eyes and yet to see the goddess, I realized I resembled her. No matter what I told myself, nothing mattered but my kids. I did not spend money or go to doctors because it would take away from my kids. Over the years it really started to take a toll on me and I was loosing a battle with my health, so I finally broke down and went to a clinic to find out what was going on with me.<br />
I have now been on that journey of my health for over 12 years, at first things started to work and then it went down hill. The best way I can say this is, the doctors were going to fix me, well they did that alright. I gained even more weight after a year of steroids, I now have more problems then what I started with and almost lost my life 31/2 years ago. I left the hospital with my life, thank heavens, but I could not walk more then a couple of feet at time. I swore I would make a difference some way some how, even though I felt I was fighting a loosing battle. I have come along way in three and half years, but I have so much further to go. I have changed many aspects in my life, but my medical problems still fallow me because I can't get rid of this weight. This is the scariest part for me, so here it goes...I am only 5'1" if I am lucky and I weigh just under 300 lbs. OMG I actually said it. I still can't breath I am so scared to say this.<br />
I will tell more stories about the past as I go along, but I needed to say this part first and for most because it is the hardest thing for me to admit. I don't allow any one in my past to see me because I am so ashamed. Just this past couple months I have found doctors who are willing to help me over come this and have explained to me that I am fitting a battle that is one of the hardest to over come. Because I have has so many health problems in the past, I have literally stopped my metabolism. I have gone through so many programs to make this weight go away with no success. I feel like a complete failure. I am not perfect by any means but when I put my best foot forward I always find a way to succeed, yet with this I never have.<br />
I will say this I am not giving up on my battle, because as I said before my children are my world and I want to be here to enjoy every moment I can with their life journeys and of course I am learning to enjoy my lifes journeys now.<br />
My friends now can't keep up with me, and can't figure out how I keep going when some of them are half my age and of course more then half my weight and I run them into the ground. I love life and I love all the challenges I am facing I just don't love the "vehicle" I am traveling in to move through my journeys of life. I want the old me back. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3zEz-APSv5t3cfoJGUkZ_EABFTmhlbIoKxLV9KcMwPf8Uq4hKAYxAFwCFcggBLfoZimgU2r4jDaxTnjbip0j5C4ffGWLONqIzS9wjnwmz4nzUp3RMzaabjZ8kY55MfT5Qf10T-VfyLDs/s1600/2567_1044396675078_184203_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3zEz-APSv5t3cfoJGUkZ_EABFTmhlbIoKxLV9KcMwPf8Uq4hKAYxAFwCFcggBLfoZimgU2r4jDaxTnjbip0j5C4ffGWLONqIzS9wjnwmz4nzUp3RMzaabjZ8kY55MfT5Qf10T-VfyLDs/s320/2567_1044396675078_184203_n.jpg" width="234" /></a></div>
I know this picture is old, but it is one of my favorites because it was a very happy time for me. What is really funny is remembering how fat I thought I was next to my girlfriend. I wish I knew then what I know now, I would have know how to work my self esteem better. I was actually quite beautiful and did not even know it, because I did not look like my friend who all the guys loved. Boy was I wrong!!<br />
Any ways I am going to get back the body I had before kids, I will never be the young me, but I will have the older me who rocks life.<br />
1,2, 3 breath, I have finally admitted the hardest part of my life. If you are some one from my past please don't gasp with air when you read this, just know this is my life's journey for some reason, and I will make it through just to see what is waiting for me on the other side. <br />
If you are still with me, I am going to continue to post as I go along, and I will not hold back and tell you everything I have been through, what I will be going through. Maybe some stuff that might surprise you, because some of them surprise me. <3 <br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755601956550974123noreply@blogger.com4