WELL NOW THEY KNOW!!!

I come out of the Doctors office after hearing all the good and the ugly of this surgery, scared out of my wits, but knowing I have to just saddle this horse and go for the ride. What is the first song that come on the radio as I start the car. Fozen's Let it Go....I thank the lord for giving me a sign!!! Still don't breathing, but I am believing now!!

After the surgery a new theme song will be added to my life. Ps. do you see a pattern with winter...LOL!!

 Don't be the rule be the exception

Even when I was actually thin, I always thought I was fat. Specially in high school. 

 I have been waiting for this next week for 6 month's, you think I would be prepared for this. I am so excited to have my life back and scared at the same time. Why am I scared? I think it is just the unknowing. I can't imagine myself thin and healthy. More then half my life I was but I can't remember what it was like. Stupid I know. Maybe after talking to the hospital today, it will put me at easy with the surgery and then everything else should calm down. PLEASE!!!! I really want the next journey to begin, because it looks like it is going to be amazing!!!!

 I believe that right now is the start of my quantum moment, when my past is going to meet my future, that every thing has been built for this next step in my life, I have been guided and taught for what is about to happen in this new journey. New me, new career and new beginnings. You wonder why things happen, well I think I am about to see why everything has happens thus far.

  I have embraced all the changes that have been coming my way and I am loving every aspect of it. I was afraid of surgery because of the anesthesiologist of the last surgery, big scare!! Even after going to the hospital and talking to the new one, I was still if not more scared then when I went in. After I left and I was driving home it hit me. Nothing could be worse then what I have been living for the past 10 years. This is hell, not the operation. I have been given a path to a new journey that will join the journey I have been on for the past 4 years and I am going to embrace it with everything I have.

I am sure this sounds like a bunch of rambling, but they are thought that keep going through my head.  

Tomorrow is my surgery and I know I want whats coming my way. I am looking at all the wonderful things I am going to gain.  I have dreams and desires I have yet to fulfill. I have given my all to my kids for the past 25 years and now I want to enjoy all the things I have been craving to do. 

Everyone believes I am taking the easy way out, but there is no easy way out of this hell. What I have to go through to succeed most people would not be willing to do. I have too have so much dedication to make this work, specially because I don't want to get sick. What they describe happens to people is not something I want to experience. As I sit here writing this I am getting dizzy just thinking about it.

I am ready for my life to start a new journey and live it up!!

Sorry if this sounds so off the cuff and rambling, but that is where my head is right now.

Frayed Knot

I am a ball of emotions and feeling like a frayed knot, but am holding on by a thread. So much is going on right now, I am starting to feel like I am living a never ending Anxiety attack.

I am three weeks out of my final days of my bachelors degree. It amazes me that it flew by, but felt like a life time. All while I am in a holding pattern for a new career in counseling. I have to have my bachelors degree to even begin. I am tired of leaving on the edge loosing everything. I am ready to start a new beginning.

Then there is the surgery that is now 28 days away. I am scared, excited all at the same time.

Then my son has decided to tell me he wants to join the military, I am excited for him and worried all at the same time. It goes on from there, this is list is just never ending right now. I am just a a wreck with emotions. I don't know if I should be scared, happy, worried, excited, nervous and so on and so on. Sometimes I wake up and I can't even breath, I have so much to do and little time to do it in, all while I am in pain because of my knees, which I just don't have time for. But have no choice when I can't walk.

I just keep my focus on the moment and try to breath through it. I know what I want and I am going to get it, but for some reasons, beyond my control my body has decided to act up while my mind is yelling for everything to get in line and move forward with out all the stress factors that are going on. I feel like my mind and body is a war zone right now.

I love these quotes they are helping me stay focused.

I'm trying to stay as calm as possible and focus one day at a time, but when reality sets in, I feel everything: anxiety, excitement, nerves, pressure and joy.

Shawn Johnson

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/anxiety.html#fjzSCsqYrcJM8cRw.99

I'm trying to stay as calm as possible and focus one day at a time, but when reality sets in, I feel everything: anxiety, excitement, nerves, pressure and joy.

Shawn Johnson

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/anxiety.html#fjzSCsqYrcJM8cRw.99

I'm trying to stay as calm as possible and focus one day at a time, but when reality sets in, I feel everything: anxiety, excitement, nerves, pressure and joy.

Shawn Johnson

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/anxiety.html#fjzSCsqYrcJM8cRw.99

I'm trying to stay as calm as possible and focus one day at a time, but when reality sets in, I feel everything: anxiety, excitement, nerves, pressure and joy.
Shawn Johnson

“So much of what is best in us is bound up in our love of family, that it remains the measure of our stability because it measures our sense of loyalty.” 

Haniel Long 

 

I have always been a found lover of snowflakes, so when Frozen came out I had to go and see it, because of the snow flakes they keep showing. Boy did that movie have more to offer me then just pretty snow flakes. I can relate to the song Let it Go. It has become my theme song for my new journey in life. I have lost 25 years of my life and look forward to the years to come. I once explained it to someone, that for 25 years I was mom, I was not Beth, and I had no meaning, I only lived for my kids. I can't not tell you about anything that happened to me, but I can tell you all the amazing things that my kids did. I just did not exist.

The last years I remember before the kids came into my life was in my early 20's. Loving life!!! I did not come back to life until I was told I should have died that day four years ago. My 30's and half of my 40's are gone, not even a memory. It is almost like I was not even here. I never saw my self in a mirror, I never did anything for me, but I lived through my children. I know this seems confusing and I wish I could explain it better, but I can't. I feel as if I was abducted and just watch from a far what my kids where doing, and then all of sudden I was back here on earth 25 years later.

So the movie Frozen has great strength for me. I am living the words let it go.

"Let It Go"

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I’m the Queen.

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door

I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry

Here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let the storm rage on

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past

Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone

Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

I will begin a new life and will enjoy every moment of it, as soon as I can get past all that is going on at once. Maybe I can breath again around mid June. The excitement is becoming over whelming!!!!

Staying positive, is rather difficult at times

I am having a hard time staying positive. Some days are easier then others, but for the most part it is difficult. I know we are not suppose to look in the past because we can't change it, what is done is done, but I keep trying to see how I went so wrong.

Wrong is the operative word, I have caused so many wrongs in this life I don't know where to begin. I understand we learn from our mistakes, but how many mistakes I made and yet I have not learned or have I? I believe we are suppose to learn lessons while we are here, man I am learning some hard core lessons.

In the grand scheme of things, I am better then most, but no  matter how we look at it we want the most out of this life that we can get.  I look around me lately and I see so many very sad things happening to the people I love, it breaks my heart. I always thought being this miserable (meaning being over weight and not knowing how it happened) was the worst thing possible, but in reality it is a mere nothing. I am lucky to be here, enjoying what I have.

My little brother is over coming a brain injury and there might be somethings that he never over comes. I talk to him and see how miserable he is, because he can no longer be independent and live a life with out forgetting, being angry, and not knowing what is really going on around him. He lives everyday not knowing if the brain aneurysm will cause him his life or if he will require surgery again. My brother was involved in a hit and run accident on his motorcycle and was in a coma for 10 days, and does not remember the accident so nothing can be done in regards to who hit him. He hit the pavement with his head and broke many, many bones in his face, and the orbital eye socket was damaged so bad that he has difficulty seeing and sees double. He will require surgery for that and many other surgery's to fix all that is broken, but they will not do anything right now because fixing his brain is much more important then anything else. Come November they will tell him if there is any chance of having a normal life again. I know he is scared out of his mind.
The really sad part is the fact that his insurance is running out and has no savings left and can't work, so how does he afford what has to be done? The government has put a hold on him because they are greedy!! But hey lets make sure the people who run our country has their health insurance for them and their whole family and make sure we foot the bill when we can't even afford it for our selves. Don't even get me started on that!!

I wrote this awhile back, but it still holds true today, every word. My count down begins to a life changing alteration in my life once again, but this one will be a positive one. I am scared and excited at the same time. Things are starting to change in my life, and I have to look at only the postive side of it, but I have been on the negative side for so long for MYSELF, I do not know how to change the channel. I have always been on the positive side for everyone else, and I have to believe it is time to take care of me. If I do not do this I will miss out on the last quarters of my life that could be oh so truly amazing.

My Instructor described it the best in class not to long ago and it so hit home for me. He stated that his life is like a hockey game and he is in the third quarter with sudden death not to far away. Since we are close in age, I truly relate. I am NOT GOING INTO SUDDEN DEATH, AND I WILL NOT ALLOW MY LIFE TO END ON THE THIRD QUARTER. I have so much to do now.

I will say this with all the conviction of my soul, I am going to stay postive even when it is difficult. I tell my self every day; there is always someone out there that has it worse then you, don't forget that. I will come through this journey stronger then I have ever been.

Do We Know Who We Really Are Ever?

Do we know who we really are ever? Just when you think you know things change,  you change. I don't think we ever stay the same person all our lives. The song by Supertramp; the logic song really makes you wonder who you are.

I believe I am starting to change again and I don't know the out come at this point, for an example; Today I was having a discussion about how I am tired of everyone just walking over me, and that I started to speak up. You really have to push me past my breaking point before I say something, then I feel sorry and guilty for having said anything at all. I realized today that I am more like Sonny in Grease, specially the scene  when he is speaking to his friends while he is running his mouth and gets caught by Principal McGee.  It is kind of ironic because I am at a point in my life where I feel like I am tired of the crap. So when he states, ' I just not going to take any of her crap thats all, I don't take no crap from nobody' that is how I feel right now. But the old me would have done exactly what Sonny did when Principal McGee came around the corner.
( http://youtu.be/aUNq34kNR0M just in case you want to see the scene)

Funny how life changes because in my younger years I felt like I was more like Rizzo, not the slutty part that she seems to portray, but the aggressive out going person who was always out to get things done and have a good time doing it, I need to get back to that high self esteem that I have inside of me. Since I have put on this weight I am afraid to go out there and portray that personality unless  you know me. I have been shot down, made fun of, passed over and worst of all looked down at with disgust. I know I am a wonderful person and do amazing things when I am not hiding from others, but the looks always remind me of my shame and the disgust of my self; as I stated before I can't even look at my self in a mirror or window and god forbid I see my shadow. UGH!!!

Funny thing is I use to have my hair cut like this most of my life. I miss being that strong. In 30 days I will be under the knife to get my life and health back. I am scared as hell and excited all at the same time. I am afraid of the unknown, this is not something I have ever experienced and when you hear the horror stories it really makes one wonder if I am doing the right thing. Yet, I know I am, Sorry if I am confusing you, but I am confused myself at this point, so many emotions running through my head every day, I don't know if I am coming or going. I do know I am looking forward to feeling real again, and not that lonely girl in the corner just letting life pass her by.

I look forward to not taking medicine every day, not sleeping with a mask over my face every night, not feeling disgusted when I have to get in the shower or brush my teeth because I might accidentally look in the mirror. I really can't wait to feel what it is like not to worry if I laugh, sneeze or cough and end up peeing my self. One of my most embarrassing moments is when I first gained all this weight after my year of steroids. We were just coming home from a weekend at Indiana beach with the family, there had to be about 20 of us. We stopped to have lunch together before we all had to go separate ways to get home. My asthma was really acting up and I ended up going into a coughing attack at the table in a crowded restaurant. The next thing I know I am peeing all over myself, and I am not talking a little bit. Sorry for this, but it is the only way to describe it. It was running down the chair and on to the floor. Everyone was now staring at me because I was coughing so hard, when my girl friend realized what was happening  to me. she saw the tears running down my face and the scared look of horror between the coughs. she looked down at the floor and saw it just flowing down. I know everyone in the restaurant saw it too after all the noise I was making with my coughing and people were looking over at me. My girlfriend quick grabbed my husbands jacket, because it was the only thing big enough to shield me. I was too afraid to get up and too afraid to stay, a feeling I never want to feel again. As I said above I can't wait to not have that fear in my life anymore. I don't go places that are far from a bathroom and I always wear dark pants just in case. funny how I can be excited to be normal again. I will end on this note for now.

My Suit of Armor

They say I wear this armor of fat because I am not letting go of something in my past. I know this maybe true even though of my medical conditions. I am not sure what that could be though. I search and search in my past to find the cause. Just not sure where to pinpoint the problem.

Crowned Queen by my granddaugher Ailina

Is it because my uncles called me buffalo butt when I was a teenager? Was it because my dad was not in my life? Is because my family was not the most loving family in the world? Was it because my brother use to get beat on a regular basis because he was being a boy? Did my husband not being excepted by my family cause this? When everyone of my children were born, it was not a happy moment in my families lives and that I was left alone each and every time? When I finally married Mark no one really wanted to be there, because it was not a special day too my family? Or maybe because my husband wanted to be in the bars and with other woman then me? The list could go on and on, but maybe it was not just one thing, just maybe it is a combination of all of them. After all this I then became ill enough to realize I could not keep ignoring it, I had to seek a doctor.

I hated that I had to find a doctor to help me, because it was more important to me to spend the money on my kids, not on me. At this point I was over weight, but not enough to be crazy about, even though I was always trying to loose the "baby" fat. No matter what I did, I could not loose it, even though I was always on the go with the kids, walking miles, swimming all the time, hiking...never had time to sit down with 4 on the go kids.

I found a doctor and was told I had Grave's Disease and that I had to disolve my thyroid to stop it. So I listen; biggest mistake of my life.  Well one of the effects of Graves disease is problems with my eyes, I started to see double and my eye went off finding its own way in life, hence the reason I look so funny. Well they were going to fix that and put me on serious amounts of steroids. After a year of steroids and my body doubling in size, my eye was still living its own wayward life.

So here I sit, double in size, wearing a funny eye and wondering why I still wear this armour no matter what I do. Every time I get on a roll and see success happening in my life, I end up in the hospital with some operation, and I end up back at square one.  After about 4 operations, I sit here waiting for an operation that they say will fix all these problems that I carry around with me. The weight will be gone, the pills will be gone sleep apnea will be gone and my health will be back. I pray everyday this waiting time goes by fast, because I want to get back to feeling good.

In the mean time, I sit here and wonder about the emotional part of this. I see a counselor every week trying to figure out what weighs so heavy on my heart. I know I am a very emotional person, my mother tells me all the time to stop being the victim, stop felling so much, suck it up. I have tried but that is not who I am. I know my mother is one of the strongest woman I have meet, but I don't want to be so tough. I like who I am, I like that I wear my heart on my sleeve, that is who I am.

With that said, I have to say the hardest thing I think I live with; because it comes up time and time again with my Doctor, is my kids. I have such love for them that I find it hard not to do everything for them. I fix all their problems since I could remember. I never asked them to do or be anything more then kids. I did everything. I see now that I did more harm then great, because I never gave them a chance to make mistakes, to learn from lessons and to be responsible human beings. Today they are young adults and teenagers and I can't stop. The hardest part for me is the fact that I love them more then they will ever love me and I don't know how to stop trying to do everything for them, I want to make their lives great, but I can't because they don't want to listen to me anymore. I really messed up.

Today I sit here and realize I have to stop, I have to allow them to do what they are going to do. It is their lives and they have to live them, they have to make mistakes, they have to learn now, when they should have learned when they were little and I still could protect them. Now they are adults and I can't protect them if it gets bad enough. How could I have been so stupid? I truly believe this is why I wear this armour of fat. I am afraid to go on with my life, even though I want to, because if I leave them behind (in the sense of the word) and go on with my life, how will I protect all the damage I have done?! I have to trust that when the time comes they will hear my voice in the back of their memories to do the right thing. I have to tell my self, I can go on and still be here when they want to talk or get advice, but I have to go on.

This is my year of abundance, I have been here for everyone all along, now it is time for me to be here for me. I am ready for this and I will keep dealing with all my regrets and embrace them and except what I can't change. I know they are amazing kids, they just have to realize they are and start living their lives with out mommy fixing everything.

My Babies,except Jade and I am pretty sure she is working the camera as always

I BLINKED

Today I saw a post that said if you could go back and tell your younger self something in three words what would you say. I really sat there and could not think of just three words to sum it all up, I typed quite a few things and keep deleting them, then I remembered a country song called Don't Blink. In reality more then money that is the most important thing to remember.

I BLINKED!!! I hate myself for it. I have been going to a therapist and trying to figure out why I am so upset with my life, why I feel so much guilt, why I wear my guilt as an armour. Why I can't forgive my self for all the things I have done. Mind you I did not do anything evil or wrong, but hate that I did not do the things I think of now that would have been more useful in my past. Life happened and I let it, and now as I sit here I have a hard time remembering it all. I blinked!! I am trying very hard these days to not ever blink again, but because I did not secure my future, it makes it more difficult now. I keep telling my self this too shall pass, but I am loosing time.

I keep trying to tell my kids not to blink but they are not listening to me, just as I would not listen to my mother when she gave me advice. I wish she would have told me not to take things for grated, but she did not. I would hope that I would have listened to her at some point in my life when the words would ring back.

I look back and at some points in my life I only see blackness, the memories are not there, I know I lived them, I know I was there, but it is all such a blur. Why did I let this happen? Why did I just walk through life? Questions I can't seem to answer.

Life is not a dress rehearsal we don't get to go back and say I want another take, I said my lines wrong lets go through it again. Why did I not think of these words when I was a teenager? My life would be more memorable, times not forgotten. I would not feel this pain in my heart and want to cry over the moments lost. I wish I could explain it more, but it is just one of those feelings that you just can't explain.

As I sit here I can hear my granddaughter laughing and I am trying to embrace the memory, because I can't remember my children's laughter. I do remember thinking, "I will never forget these moments", but I did forget. How did that happen? The guilt ways heavy on me every day!

If anyone gets anything out of this, please, please remember not to blink! Life happens so fast. Amazingly as I write this sentence I am reminded of me being in John Muir Elementary school in Hoffman Estates in math class and the teacher asked us to do a math problem using our selves. The problem was, how old will you be in the year 2000. I remember doing the math  and thinking 36 is so far away, and man will I be old. I look back now and see how fast 36 has come and gone and that is not old. I see now that was just a flash of time, it happened so quick, in reality I BLINKED.

So Don't Blink! Life goes like a bullet....to fast. Give love, respect. Take a moment and listen to this song, it will be well worth your 5 minutes and 7 seconds.

http://youtu.be/4f0p5KqdU9U

Boy is my psychologist in for a ride next week, now that I came up with. 

I KNOW THE VESSEL THAT MY SOUL IS IN, IS FAR FROM ATTRACTIVE....

Months ago I told everyone about a journey that I have started and I am now at the end of my fourth month, I have been excited and scared all at the same time. As I get closer to the 6th month waiting period I grow more and more positive that this will bring my health life back. Today after  a along exhausting month for me I sit and look at the moments of the past couple of days and just want to sit down and cry. Both from the joy and peace it brings me, but also from the disgust of the pictures that were taken.

This event was very dear to my heart, we worked with a church to help the homeless children have Christmas Dinner and Receive presents from Santa. I started a toy drive because my granddaughter wanted me to help her achieve a goal for her beauty pageants that she is involved with. We named our project the Mele Kalikimaka because of Ailina's name and heritage of her great grandmother. In these pictures Ailina is crowning me Queen of the Mele Kalikimaka Angel Project.  Needless to say I cried and laughed with pure enjoyment. Then I saw the pictures and cried because of how bad I look. I know the vessel that my soul is in, is far from attractive and I always seem to forget that because I love the soul that is carried within it.

Last night I was not going to allow anyone to post these pictures and to be all honest there was some that I did not allow. I was afraid what others are saying and I am sure they are saying things like: OMG what happened to her, what a Fat A**, she really looks bad and so forth. To be truthful I am excepting this because for some reason I was meant to be on this journey. I have seen both sides of the fence; I don't like this side; but I have to learn what ever lesson I was meant to learn to continue on with life.

Every month I go to the doctor I cry about how I look and feel health wise and he is constantly reminding me of how it is not all my fault, that there is factors I have no control over, at first I did not believe him because I have alway blamed myself. Then I started to see after 5 months what he was talking about. I see the roller coaster of the weight on and off, I loose 20 to 30 pounds and then next month I gained it all back. I am starting to understand and learn what he is talking about hence the reason why I am going full blown with the surgery because I am not succeeding on my own, I need this to jump start my metabolism.

Also in these pictures you can see the effects of the Grave's Disease had on me, my eye. I hate this the most!! I was always so proud of my eyes and now they look funny!! I am hoping that when I loose weight it will not look as bad as it does.

I love myself but have been told if I did I would not look the way I do.  So we are clear I am an example of a fat person who does love who they are. Don't get me wrong I do have guilts of things I have done in my life when it comes to my kids (guilt of not giving them a better life, I could have given them more opportunities then I did because of my income level and chooses I made to stay in a bad relationship) and I am learning to forgive my self every day, but that has nothing to do with not thinking I am an awesome person. I am the first one to get out in front of everyone and put myself out there, because in my mind I am not fat, I am not gross to look at, and I am not FAT!! But pictures do not lie and I have my moments when I stop and look at them, as I said before I do not look in mirrors it is to hard for me, so I tend to forget that I carry around TWO of me every day. Today is one of those days.

I just keep reminding my self that life is going to change for me again in a couple of months and to not give up on all that I am doing. Not having a job right now is not helping because I can't get to my Zumba classes, but hopefully that will change in the next week or so and I will be working again and all will be right in the world. Then I will be back to my Zumba classes that I love and look like fool in. I specially love when my son does them with me. In the mean time I have been doing home yoga sessions. In the new year, I will have the room to do morning yoga at home and that will make a world of difference for me, even if if just stretches me out.

I have chosen to BELIEVE (my favorite word) that this year is the year of ABUNDANCE!!

I BELIEVE!!!

<3 ALWAYS!!! <3