Tuesday, January 21, 2014

My Suit of Armor

They say I wear this armor of fat because I am not letting go of something in my past. I know this maybe true even though of my medical conditions. I am not sure what that could be though. I search and search in my past to find the cause. Just not sure where to pinpoint the problem.
Crowned Queen by my granddaugher Ailina

Is it because my uncles called me buffalo butt when I was a teenager? Was it because my dad was not in my life? Is because my family was not the most loving family in the world? Was it because my brother use to get beat on a regular basis because he was being a boy? Did my husband not being excepted by my family cause this? When everyone of my children were born, it was not a happy moment in my families lives and that I was left alone each and every time? When I finally married Mark no one really wanted to be there, because it was not a special day too my family? Or maybe because my husband wanted to be in the bars and with other woman then me? The list could go on and on, but maybe it was not just one thing, just maybe it is a combination of all of them. After all this I then became ill enough to realize I could not keep ignoring it, I had to seek a doctor.

I hated that I had to find a doctor to help me, because it was more important to me to spend the money on my kids, not on me. At this point I was over weight, but not enough to be crazy about, even though I was always trying to loose the "baby" fat. No matter what I did, I could not loose it, even though I was always on the go with the kids, walking miles, swimming all the time, hiking...never had time to sit down with 4 on the go kids.

I found a doctor and was told I had Grave's Disease and that I had to disolve my thyroid to stop it. So I listen; biggest mistake of my life.  Well one of the effects of Graves disease is problems with my eyes, I started to see double and my eye went off finding its own way in life, hence the reason I look so funny. Well they were going to fix that and put me on serious amounts of steroids. After a year of steroids and my body doubling in size, my eye was still living its own wayward life.

So here I sit, double in size, wearing a funny eye and wondering why I still wear this armour no matter what I do. Every time I get on a roll and see success happening in my life, I end up in the hospital with some operation, and I end up back at square one.  After about 4 operations, I sit here waiting for an operation that they say will fix all these problems that I carry around with me. The weight will be gone, the pills will be gone sleep apnea will be gone and my health will be back. I pray everyday this waiting time goes by fast, because I want to get back to feeling good.

In the mean time, I sit here and wonder about the emotional part of this. I see a counselor every week trying to figure out what weighs so heavy on my heart. I know I am a very emotional person, my mother tells me all the time to stop being the victim, stop felling so much, suck it up. I have tried but that is not who I am. I know my mother is one of the strongest woman I have meet, but I don't want to be so tough. I like who I am, I like that I wear my heart on my sleeve, that is who I am.

With that said, I have to say the hardest thing I think I live with; because it comes up time and time again with my Doctor, is my kids. I have such love for them that I find it hard not to do everything for them. I fix all their problems since I could remember. I never asked them to do or be anything more then kids. I did everything. I see now that I did more harm then great, because I never gave them a chance to make mistakes, to learn from lessons and to be responsible human beings. Today they are young adults and teenagers and I can't stop. The hardest part for me is the fact that I love them more then they will ever love me and I don't know how to stop trying to do everything for them, I want to make their lives great, but I can't because they don't want to listen to me anymore. I really messed up.

Today I sit here and realize I have to stop, I have to allow them to do what they are going to do. It is their lives and they have to live them, they have to make mistakes, they have to learn now, when they should have learned when they were little and I still could protect them. Now they are adults and I can't protect them if it gets bad enough. How could I have been so stupid? I truly believe this is why I wear this armour of fat. I am afraid to go on with my life, even though I want to, because if I leave them behind (in the sense of the word) and go on with my life, how will I protect all the damage I have done?! I have to trust that when the time comes they will hear my voice in the back of their memories to do the right thing. I have to tell my self, I can go on and still be here when they want to talk or get advice, but I have to go on.

This is my year of abundance, I have been here for everyone all along, now it is time for me to be here for me. I am ready for this and I will keep dealing with all my regrets and embrace them and except what I can't change. I know they are amazing kids, they just have to realize they are and start living their lives with out mommy fixing everything.
My Babies,except Jade and I am pretty sure she is working the camera as always