Friday, December 27, 2013


Today I saw a post that said if you could go back and tell your younger self something in three words what would you say. I really sat there and could not think of just three words to sum it all up, I typed quite a few things and keep deleting them, then I remembered a country song called Don't Blink. In reality more then money that is the most important thing to remember.

I BLINKED!!! I hate myself for it. I have been going to a therapist and trying to figure out why I am so upset with my life, why I feel so much guilt, why I wear my guilt as an armour. Why I can't forgive my self for all the things I have done. Mind you I did not do anything evil or wrong, but hate that I did not do the things I think of now that would have been more useful in my past. Life happened and I let it, and now as I sit here I have a hard time remembering it all. I blinked!! I am trying very hard these days to not ever blink again, but because I did not secure my future, it makes it more difficult now. I keep telling my self this too shall pass, but I am loosing time.

I keep trying to tell my kids not to blink but they are not listening to me, just as I would not listen to my mother when she gave me advice. I wish she would have told me not to take things for grated, but she did not. I would hope that I would have listened to her at some point in my life when the words would ring back.

I look back and at some points in my life I only see blackness, the memories are not there, I know I lived them, I know I was there, but it is all such a blur. Why did I let this happen? Why did I just walk through life? Questions I can't seem to answer.

Life is not a dress rehearsal we don't get to go back and say I want another take, I said my lines wrong lets go through it again. Why did I not think of these words when I was a teenager? My life would be more memorable, times not forgotten. I would not feel this pain in my heart and want to cry over the moments lost. I wish I could explain it more, but it is just one of those feelings that you just can't explain.

As I sit here I can hear my granddaughter laughing and I am trying to embrace the memory, because I can't remember my children's laughter. I do remember thinking, "I will never forget these moments", but I did forget. How did that happen? The guilt ways heavy on me every day!

If anyone gets anything out of this, please, please remember not to blink! Life happens so fast. Amazingly as I write this sentence I am reminded of me being in John Muir Elementary school in Hoffman Estates in math class and the teacher asked us to do a math problem using our selves. The problem was, how old will you be in the year 2000. I remember doing the math  and thinking 36 is so far away, and man will I be old. I look back now and see how fast 36 has come and gone and that is not old. I see now that was just a flash of time, it happened so quick, in reality I BLINKED.

So Don't Blink! Life goes like a fast. Give love, respect. Take a moment and listen to this song, it will be well worth your 5 minutes and 7 seconds.

Boy is my psychologist in for a ride next week, now that I came up with. 

Thursday, December 26, 2013


Months ago I told everyone about a journey that I have started and I am now at the end of my fourth month, I have been excited and scared all at the same time. As I get closer to the 6th month waiting period I grow more and more positive that this will bring my health life back. Today after  a along exhausting month for me I sit and look at the moments of the past couple of days and just want to sit down and cry. Both from the joy and peace it brings me, but also from the disgust of the pictures that were taken.

This event was very dear to my heart, we worked with a church to help the homeless children have Christmas Dinner and Receive presents from Santa. I started a toy drive because my granddaughter wanted me to help her achieve a goal for her beauty pageants that she is involved with. We named our project the Mele Kalikimaka because of Ailina's name and heritage of her great grandmother. In these pictures Ailina is crowning me Queen of the Mele Kalikimaka Angel Project.  Needless to say I cried and laughed with pure enjoyment. Then I saw the pictures and cried because of how bad I look. I know the vessel that my soul is in, is far from attractive and I always seem to forget that because I love the soul that is carried within it.

Last night I was not going to allow anyone to post these pictures and to be all honest there was some that I did not allow. I was afraid what others are saying and I am sure they are saying things like: OMG what happened to her, what a Fat A**, she really looks bad and so forth. To be truthful I am excepting this because for some reason I was meant to be on this journey. I have seen both sides of the fence; I don't like this side; but I have to learn what ever lesson I was meant to learn to continue on with life.

Every month I go to the doctor I cry about how I look and feel health wise and he is constantly reminding me of how it is not all my fault, that there is factors I have no control over, at first I did not believe him because I have alway blamed myself. Then I started to see after 5 months what he was talking about. I see the roller coaster of the weight on and off, I loose 20 to 30 pounds and then next month I gained it all back. I am starting to understand and learn what he is talking about hence the reason why I am going full blown with the surgery because I am not succeeding on my own, I need this to jump start my metabolism.

Also in these pictures you can see the effects of the Grave's Disease had on me, my eye. I hate this the most!! I was always so proud of my eyes and now they look funny!! I am hoping that when I loose weight it will not look as bad as it does.

I love myself but have been told if I did I would not look the way I do.  So we are clear I am an example of a fat person who does love who they are. Don't get me wrong I do have guilts of things I have done in my life when it comes to my kids (guilt of not giving them a better life, I could have given them more opportunities then I did because of my income level and chooses I made to stay in a bad relationship) and I am learning to forgive my self every day, but that has nothing to do with not thinking I am an awesome person. I am the first one to get out in front of everyone and put myself out there, because in my mind I am not fat, I am not gross to look at, and I am not FAT!! But pictures do not lie and I have my moments when I stop and look at them, as I said before I do not look in mirrors it is to hard for me, so I tend to forget that I carry around TWO of me every day. Today is one of those days.

I just keep reminding my self that life is going to change for me again in a couple of months and to not give up on all that I am doing. Not having a job right now is not helping because I can't get to my Zumba classes, but hopefully that will change in the next week or so and I will be working again and all will be right in the world. Then I will be back to my Zumba classes that I love and look like fool in. I specially love when my son does them with me. In the mean time I have been doing home yoga sessions. In the new year, I will have the room to do morning yoga at home and that will make a world of difference for me, even if if just stretches me out.

I have chosen to BELIEVE (my favorite word) that this year is the year of ABUNDANCE!!

<3 ALWAYS!!! <3