Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Frayed Knot

I am a ball of emotions and feeling like a frayed knot, but am holding on by a thread. So much is going on right now, I am starting to feel like I am living a never ending Anxiety attack.

I am three weeks out of my final days of my bachelors degree. It amazes me that it flew by, but felt like a life time. All while I am in a holding pattern for a new career in counseling. I have to have my bachelors degree to even begin. I am tired of leaving on the edge loosing everything. I am ready to start a new beginning.

Then there is the surgery that is now 28 days away. I am scared, excited all at the same time.

Then my son has decided to tell me he wants to join the military, I am excited for him and worried all at the same time. It goes on from there, this is list is just never ending right now. I am just a a wreck with emotions. I don't know if I should be scared, happy, worried, excited, nervous and so on and so on. Sometimes I wake up and I can't even breath, I have so much to do and little time to do it in, all while I am in pain because of my knees, which I just don't have time for. But have no choice when I can't walk.

I just keep my focus on the moment and try to breath through it. I know what I want and I am going to get it, but for some reasons, beyond my control my body has decided to act up while my mind is yelling for everything to get in line and move forward with out all the stress factors that are going on. I feel like my mind and body is a war zone right now.

I love these quotes they are helping me stay focused.

I'm trying to stay as calm as possible and focus one day at a time, but when reality sets in, I feel everything: anxiety, excitement, nerves, pressure and joy.
Shawn Johnson

“So much of what is best in us is bound up in our love of family, that it remains the measure of our stability because it measures our sense of loyalty.” 

Haniel Long 


I have always been a found lover of snowflakes, so when Frozen came out I had to go and see it, because of the snow flakes they keep showing. Boy did that movie have more to offer me then just pretty snow flakes. I can relate to the song Let it Go. It has become my theme song for my new journey in life. I have lost 25 years of my life and look forward to the years to come. I once explained it to someone, that for 25 years I was mom, I was not Beth, and I had no meaning, I only lived for my kids. I can't not tell you about anything that happened to me, but I can tell you all the amazing things that my kids did. I just did not exist.

The last years I remember before the kids came into my life was in my early 20's. Loving life!!! I did not come back to life until I was told I should have died that day four years ago. My 30's and half of my 40's are gone, not even a memory. It is almost like I was not even here. I never saw my self in a mirror, I never did anything for me, but I lived through my children. I know this seems confusing and I wish I could explain it better, but I can't. I feel as if I was abducted and just watch from a far what my kids where doing, and then all of sudden I was back here on earth 25 years later.

So the movie Frozen has great strength for me. I am living the words let it go.

"Let It Go"

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I’m the Queen.

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door

I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry

Here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let the storm rage on

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past

Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone

Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

I will begin a new life and will enjoy every moment of it, as soon as I can get past all that is going on at once. Maybe I can breath again around mid June. The excitement is becoming over whelming!!!!

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Staying positive, is rather difficult at times

I am having a hard time staying positive. Some days are easier then others, but for the most part it is difficult. I know we are not suppose to look in the past because we can't change it, what is done is done, but I keep trying to see how I went so wrong.

Wrong is the operative word, I have caused so many wrongs in this life I don't know where to begin. I understand we learn from our mistakes, but how many mistakes I made and yet I have not learned or have I? I believe we are suppose to learn lessons while we are here, man I am learning some hard core lessons.

In the grand scheme of things, I am better then most, but no  matter how we look at it we want the most out of this life that we can get.  I look around me lately and I see so many very sad things happening to the people I love, it breaks my heart. I always thought being this miserable (meaning being over weight and not knowing how it happened) was the worst thing possible, but in reality it is a mere nothing. I am lucky to be here, enjoying what I have.

My little brother is over coming a brain injury and there might be somethings that he never over comes. I talk to him and see how miserable he is, because he can no longer be independent and live a life with out forgetting, being angry, and not knowing what is really going on around him. He lives everyday not knowing if the brain aneurysm will cause him his life or if he will require surgery again. My brother was involved in a hit and run accident on his motorcycle and was in a coma for 10 days, and does not remember the accident so nothing can be done in regards to who hit him. He hit the pavement with his head and broke many, many bones in his face, and the orbital eye socket was damaged so bad that he has difficulty seeing and sees double. He will require surgery for that and many other surgery's to fix all that is broken, but they will not do anything right now because fixing his brain is much more important then anything else. Come November they will tell him if there is any chance of having a normal life again. I know he is scared out of his mind.
The really sad part is the fact that his insurance is running out and has no savings left and can't work, so how does he afford what has to be done? The government has put a hold on him because they are greedy!! But hey lets make sure the people who run our country has their health insurance for them and their whole family and make sure we foot the bill when we can't even afford it for our selves. Don't even get me started on that!!

I wrote this awhile back, but it still holds true today, every word. My count down begins to a life changing alteration in my life once again, but this one will be a positive one. I am scared and excited at the same time. Things are starting to change in my life, and I have to look at only the postive side of it, but I have been on the negative side for so long for MYSELF, I do not know how to change the channel. I have always been on the positive side for everyone else, and I have to believe it is time to take care of me. If I do not do this I will miss out on the last quarters of my life that could be oh so truly amazing.

My Instructor described it the best in class not to long ago and it so hit home for me. He stated that his life is like a hockey game and he is in the third quarter with sudden death not to far away. Since we are close in age, I truly relate. I am NOT GOING INTO SUDDEN DEATH, AND I WILL NOT ALLOW MY LIFE TO END ON THE THIRD QUARTER. I have so much to do now.

I will say this with all the conviction of my soul, I am going to stay postive even when it is difficult. I tell my self every day; there is always someone out there that has it worse then you, don't forget that. I will come through this journey stronger then I have ever been.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Do We Know Who We Really Are Ever?

Do we know who we really are ever? Just when you think you know things change,  you change. I don't think we ever stay the same person all our lives. The song by Supertramp; the logic song really makes you wonder who you are.

I believe I am starting to change again and I don't know the out come at this point, for an example; Today I was having a discussion about how I am tired of everyone just walking over me, and that I started to speak up. You really have to push me past my breaking point before I say something, then I feel sorry and guilty for having said anything at all. I realized today that I am more like Sonny in Grease, specially the scene  when he is speaking to his friends while he is running his mouth and gets caught by Principal McGee.  It is kind of ironic because I am at a point in my life where I feel like I am tired of the crap. So when he states, ' I just not going to take any of her crap thats all, I don't take no crap from nobody' that is how I feel right now. But the old me would have done exactly what Sonny did when Principal McGee came around the corner.
( just in case you want to see the scene)

Funny how life changes because in my younger years I felt like I was more like Rizzo, not the slutty part that she seems to portray, but the aggressive out going person who was always out to get things done and have a good time doing it, I need to get back to that high self esteem that I have inside of me. Since I have put on this weight I am afraid to go out there and portray that personality unless  you know me. I have been shot down, made fun of, passed over and worst of all looked down at with disgust. I know I am a wonderful person and do amazing things when I am not hiding from others, but the looks always remind me of my shame and the disgust of my self; as I stated before I can't even look at my self in a mirror or window and god forbid I see my shadow. UGH!!!

Funny thing is I use to have my hair cut like this most of my life. I miss being that strong. In 30 days I will be under the knife to get my life and health back. I am scared as hell and excited all at the same time. I am afraid of the unknown, this is not something I have ever experienced and when you hear the horror stories it really makes one wonder if I am doing the right thing. Yet, I know I am, Sorry if I am confusing you, but I am confused myself at this point, so many emotions running through my head every day, I don't know if I am coming or going. I do know I am looking forward to feeling real again, and not that lonely girl in the corner just letting life pass her by.

I look forward to not taking medicine every day, not sleeping with a mask over my face every night, not feeling disgusted when I have to get in the shower or brush my teeth because I might accidentally look in the mirror. I really can't wait to feel what it is like not to worry if I laugh, sneeze or cough and end up peeing my self. One of my most embarrassing moments is when I first gained all this weight after my year of steroids. We were just coming home from a weekend at Indiana beach with the family, there had to be about 20 of us. We stopped to have lunch together before we all had to go separate ways to get home. My asthma was really acting up and I ended up going into a coughing attack at the table in a crowded restaurant. The next thing I know I am peeing all over myself, and I am not talking a little bit. Sorry for this, but it is the only way to describe it. It was running down the chair and on to the floor. Everyone was now staring at me because I was coughing so hard, when my girl friend realized what was happening  to me. she saw the tears running down my face and the scared look of horror between the coughs. she looked down at the floor and saw it just flowing down. I know everyone in the restaurant saw it too after all the noise I was making with my coughing and people were looking over at me. My girlfriend quick grabbed my husbands jacket, because it was the only thing big enough to shield me. I was too afraid to get up and too afraid to stay, a feeling I never want to feel again. As I said above I can't wait to not have that fear in my life anymore. I don't go places that are far from a bathroom and I always wear dark pants just in case. funny how I can be excited to be normal again. I will end on this note for now.