Friday, September 12, 2014


I was not a perfect mother, but I have perfect love for you! Each and everyone of you are a blessing and a blessing I have been honored to watch grow. Your journeys have just begun and I know your journey is whats going to "bring you happiness, it is not a destination." You have to stop and quiet your minds and live in the moment. My joy was watching all your precious moments and yes I remember them all.

Within your journeys I want each and everyone of you to know everything in  your journey has a purpose and it is up to you to find it within you. I have done my job to the best of my ability and now it is time for me to step back and watch you continue on with your own individual journey, while I start my own new journey.

Life is not knowing, life is a mystery so stop trying to figure it out, enjoy the humor life has to offer because you can't know who you are until you let go of the fear of finding yourself within.

You; my children have also  prepared me for what is coming next in my life and for that I am eternally grateful. Part of my new journey is to learn again how to love myself. I know each of you also has to learn that in different ways and I know and believe you have the tools to do just that.

Something I heard tonight besides what has inspired me to write this to you, might help in learning is this. "Your life is about developing the wisdom to apply the right leverage, in the right place ant the right time."

I believe and admire your beautiful souls, you are amazing people and I love you. If you feel I have wronged you in any way, I am sorry but as I said in the beginning I am not perfect, but I love you perfectly.

I have been waiting along time to find the right words to release my guilt of feeling, I have wronged you. But now I see, this was all meant to be, because your  journeys in life needed these moments you lived to full fill what ever destiny you are meant to carry out, just as I am meant to carry out my new journey that all these lessons are teaching me.

I look forward to watching you grow even further in life.  What an honor it is for me.

With all my love,
Your Mother

Friday, July 25, 2014

No Scale Moments

     62 pounds lighter and just over 3 months post op, I am feeling stronger every day. I find myself doing things I did not realize I did not do before. It is funny how I become a custom to doing things differently with all this weight on me compared to doing the same things when I was thinner. I guess it just comes naturally and you don't even realize you are doing it.

     Let me explain for the ones who are confused by what I am saying. I have a friend who use to say "fat people don't walk around the parks in the summer down here in Florida." I realized the other day I use to follow that rule with out even realizing it. I went to Down Town Disney the other day and had really no trouble except sweating a lot, where I use to not go because I could not breath, my body could not take the heat and my knees would just not work. It was to miserable to go there. Another thing I found that has changed for me is the movie theater. Going to the movie is suppose to be enjoyable, but I found it to be uncomfortable. I would never tell my friends no, but it was a job for me. Walking to the theater alone was a chore. Once I got into the theater I was dripping in sweat from head to toe, then to sit in the seats, well let me just say they are not built for over weight people. I could not put my arms down because there is no room and I could not put them on the arm rest because I could not put the arm rest down.

     After the movie sometimes we would go out to eat, I would always ask for a table because the booths were just as uncomfortable as the movie theater seats. I would have to squeeze in and because I am short my boobs would lay on the table top. UGH!! Sometimes I would seat at the end of the booth and turn slightly side ways so I would fit in better even though it made it difficult to eat. Don't even get me started on how people would watch to see what I ordered when the food came to the table. The stares are very hard to deal with.

     I have a very dear friend that I did most of these things with and when people would see us together the whispers would start. Due to him being a male, I would hear things like what is he doing with her, I bet when they are having sex she hurts him or crushes him and he is so cute why would he be with her. Funny thing is we are just friends and nothing more. I always played it off as if it had something to do with our age difference and some times it was just that, but most of the time it was because of my weight. We always messed with peoples heads when they would start to stare, I don't think he ever saw this as a weight issue, because he excepted me for who I am and loved me for that. I don't think he ever heard the whispers because it is not something most people hear, unless you are over weight you learn to pay attention. Don't ask me why because I really don't know how that comes about, but it does. I have excellent hearing always have all my life, so it did not help that I could hear the quietest of whispers. But I started to learn the signs so I became more in tuned with it, I guess.

     There is not one place you can go with out being laughed at or gawked  at. But I noticed that I would not go into place that had a tight squeeze because I could not make it through. If I could not find a open path way, it was not going to happen.

     I missed doing fun things and can't wait to get back to them. I can't wait to go on a zip line, go kayaking, ride the roller coaster rides again, and go shopping for fun cloths not the ugly things they make for overweight people. Sure if you have money to spend you can find nice outfits, but when you are not so wealthy the options are limited to UGLY!!

     I have had a couple of moments where I realized that I am loosing weight even though I don't see it that have put a smile on my face. For an example I could tie my shoes right in the middle of the shoe intead of off to the side, because you can't reach over your belly to reach the laces properly. The picture you see are not my shoes but I wanted to give you an idea of what I am talking about. 

      I also watched a movie with my granddaughter laying on the floor. I have not done that in years, because being over weight you just can't do that without feeling miserable. I felt like a kid again doing that.

     These things may sound simple to most people and I never thought I would experence situations like this ever in my life, but let me tell you it becomes a moment in your life you will never forget when you start to realize that you change everything you do becuase of weight. I never really realized it until now, when I started to do things like I remembered. It was an awaking experience. I am loving the No Scale Moments that are happening in my life.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

I Had to Remind Myself

I have been so proud of myself and walking around with my head held high. I was even going to my sons graduation with confidence that I would not embarrass him. I was still holding my head up when I had a couple of short comings at the event because I felt really good about the weight I had lost already and was feeling thinner.

At the event we had to tackle 25 stairs (yes I counted)  to get down to our seating area, I thought it was about to kill me. My knees have been bad and the pain sometimes unbearable. But I was not about to let that ruin my amazing day with my family. I bit my tongue and took each step down. I finally made it to my seat and was feeling good about being able to sit in the seat with out feeling like a cow; Let me fill you in why I was afraid of the seats. Outside before we entered the theater my daughter Jade told me the seats were bad, that they were small and you feel as you are sitting on top each other. I asked her if it was like a movie theater seat and she gave me the impression they are worse. All I could think of was great, all these people are going to see the cow try to wiggle into a seat. Well we reached our seats and I sat down and to my surprise I had no trouble and yes they were small, but I was good. I felt really good about myself at that moment. What a great day this is turning out to be for my self esteem, except for the stairs, but then again I was proud because I pushed through the pain.

Then it happened, while waiting for the ceremony to start my stomach decided to turn and when that happens I have seconds to make it to the bathroom. PS. I hope this goes away soon!! Not fun and can be very embarrassing. Well I had that flight of stairs to go up and hope to good the bathroom was available. My youngest son Emilio went with me to make sure I was OK.Thank the lord he was with me because he had to run back down to get my inhaler, the pain was causing me an asthma attack.  I finally make it up the stairs and bump into a friend who wants to show me her new baby, I said what a beautiful boy and fastly walked away. I felt so bad to do that to her. I finally make it to the bathroom to find a line waiting to get in, I thought it was over for me and that I would be spending the day in the hot car alone feeling like a baby with shit in my pants. Then I remembered Jade going into the family bathroom next door, and of course as I reach it a man decides he is going into it. I started to cry because I could not hold a second longer and at that moment the guy opened the door and I ran in. I collected myself and put the smile back on my face, because today was not going to be ruined. But I did get my work out in, I had to defeat those stairs, 4 times. Each time I tackled them I was remembering when I would take two stairs at a time, and look at me now, basically crawling down the stairs.

Well the ceremony ended and we went out side to meet up with Dakota and of course take pictures, I did not hesitate this time to take the pictures because I was feeling confident about my weight loss. I felt so proud to be with my boys in the pictures, because they could be proud of me again.

Yesterday  that came to a screaming holt because I finally was able to see one of the pictures of me. OMG!!! Nothing has changed. I am still huge and don't see any weight loss at all. What is everyone telling me? LIES?

Never in a million years when I was growing up did I ever think I would end up like this. I look back and ask my self how? Why? I know the answer to these questions but I should have realized I was important too. I should have gotten second opinions and I should have researched my options instead if listening to one doctor. But I was more concerned about spending the money on kids then myself. They needed everything more then me. They were the important ones. Now I realize I caused them more harm then good, because they watched their mother go from healthy to unhealthy and almost die. So how did that help them, it did not. I could have done so much more for them if I was not like this. I was a stay at home, but not the one who sat home on her butt kind of mom, even with all my health issues I pushed through everything to be there for them and do for them every step of the way. Not realizing I was embarrassing them everyday.

 I spent a little over 15 years getting sicker and sicker and fatter and fatter. Even now as I sit here it is hard to look at that photo of me, but it is also reminding me of how hard I have to work to not allow the rest of my life to be wasted away. My children have so much more to do in their lives and so do I and I am not going to do it looking like an embarrassment to me or my family. STAYING POSITIVE!!!

I had to remind myself I am only a month and a half out of surgery and that every month will bring a better and healthier me back. I also have to remember that there is a reason I had to cross this journey, and some where in my future that reason will come to light. So for now I am going to believe the next momentous picture I take will be a healthier and more beautiful me. I am grateful for knowing I am an awesome and wonderful person on the inside and I know I seriously rock, it is just hard to see the carriage that carries this soul is in a serious need for a make over. I can at least say that like any other make over, it takes a little time and when it the new carriage is revealed I will be gasping in awe.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Negativity brings negativity

A lump in your throat would be easier to deal with than the sensation I felt today. (5/25/2014) I jinxed myself and allowed negative people get to me. I started to believe there was something wrong with me because I was not like everyone else in my place.

I belong to an on-line support group for my RNY and posted that I was one of the lucky ones, that since the day the doctor told me I could eat solid foods I have been able to eat what I want.  Please don't take it wrong I am not talking about amounts, but about all types of food.

People are always saying diet, I can't eat this and I can't eat that  I don't look at this as a diet, but about being true to myself. I want to enjoy what I eat because I only eat so much. My stomach can only hold a small amount, so why not enjoy every bite. So far there has been nothing that has upset my stomach or made me sick. So yes I am lucky or I have an Iron clad stomach.

YES,  I refuse to say pouch!!! It is my stomach.

After I posted my statement I received negative comments about how I am really not that lucky. I tried to brush them off, but to no avail. So I deleted the post, because I refuse to have any negative atmosphere around me.

My Motto:

Negativity brings negativity, I refuse that  scope of the spectrum. So I surround myself with positivity. Why? Because it brings positivity!!

Well, with that being said that brings me back around to what happened today. The negative energy made me second guess myself and believed I must be failing this too, because I am like everyone else or I will gain the weight back or not loose the weight or stretch my stomach back out. Today I was with my daughter and she had smoked pulled pork from a friend who had left overs from his restaurant. (Let me just say I am a meat Freak!!! I would eat meat over anything else in the world.) I only had a couple of bites, I mean only a couple, the meat was actually to dry. So I stopped eating it.

Then it hit me. I felt very ill and it felt like I eat to much. I could feel it in my throat all the way to my stomach. I could not get the sickening feeling to go away. I just wanted to throw up, it would not go down and it would not come up. I tried water, tea and any liquid to make it go away. I finally gave up and laid down  on the couch. That is when all hell broke loose. Gaging and throwing up just a little bit and liquid for the next 2 hours or more. Then finally the horrible sensation went away.

After I received relief I remember the nutritionist telling me to always make sure your food is moist and never dry, specially meats.

Later I was finally able to eat dinner and I stuck to my sweet, moist dark chicken meat and mushrooms off the grill.. As I enjoyed my dinner I reminded myself to keep all that negative energy away from myself and to continue to believe in myself, because I am not like anyone else, I am me and I am powerful. Because others want to fall into that trap and bring others down does not mean I have to believe them. I am rocking the journey and I will continue on my own individual pathway of success, joy and desire.

I will have my health and body back and no one is going to stop me.
As of 5/27/2014 I am a total loser of 45 lbs!

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Time to Readjust

I am now into my 4th week and have lost 36 lbs. very excited to be getting back to the me I remember, the one I feel I am until I look into the mirror. I cant wait until I can say mirror mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all and the me I remember looks back at me. Maybe she will be a little bit older, but she will be wiser and know that she is beautiful. I always use to believe people when they said I was fat, because I was not the size 1. Well no more, I look back and now think I was just gorgous the way I was and if I would have believed it my self, I would have rocked what I had. This time I am much wiser and will not allow any fool to make me think I am any thing but fantastically beautiful.

In the mean time I am going though some transitions I never thought I would experience. The worst is the gas. I have been reading up on it and everyone claims it is because of the amount of protein I have to eat, but if you ask me that is BS, I seem to get gas no matter what I eat. I don't mean to sound gross but the smell is enough to gage the bravest of souls. I am sometimes am afraid to go any where for to long because of it. All the information I have read on it claims it will go away after about 8 months. It is because the body has to readjust to the small stomach area and reestablish the amount of acids it requires. Well I will not be able to stand myself or go to work with that lingering over my head. Just to give you an example of how bad this really is;  again it is not just me but everyone else who has to go through this. I was laying on the couch the other day and the dog at my feet. With out warning like usual gas is released, it always surprises me for the most part, but the dog looked at me shook her head got up off the couch and walked away. As she walked away she looked back at me as if to say, "My god woman, I am a dog and I can't even stand that!!". I laugh now, but it made me realize at that moment how the hell am I going to go to work with this problem.

In my research I have found a couple of different things that are suppose to help with this and the smell. It is a deodorizer for your inners. One is called Devrom and the other is Chlorophyll liquid which is rather expensive. Devrom is hard to find, but CVS said they would order it for me, I sure hope it works. It is suppose to deodorize the smell before it leaves you body. The two of them claim to have a spearmint smell, so if my farts come out smelling like gum, I think that would freak me out too. So I guess I should by gum while I am at the store, so no one suspects anything. Thank the lord I can laugh at myself, because right now would be rather humiliating. I am always ready for a good laugh even at my expense.

Because I can only eat less then a half a cup of food at a meal, I have to choose very carefully to get something I really want, because if I eat more then I should I get what they call a dumping syndrome, where you either throw up or it comes out the other end very unpleasantly with much pain prior too. I have experienced both when I first started eating in the hospital and I will pass  on either one again.  Actually I take that back, the other day I eat one bit too much and I could feel it in my throat, very annoying, like a lump that would not go away, I keep trying to swallow and it just made it worse. I ended up running to bathroom, because I tried to use water to make it go down, well it decide to come up instead. So when people tell me I took the easy way out, I am here to tell you other wise, this is much harder.

You always hear people say they could live off a certain food, I myself use to say things like that. I love egg drop soup so much I thought I could live off it, well I am telling you that is farthest from the truth. After having liquids, Jello and Popsicles for three weeks straight with egg drop being my go too. I can't even look at egg drop soup right now!! Or Jello for that matter. People keep telling me it was not big deal and they could do it, I said the same before I went though it. Yes I did it, but to have broth for breakfast lunch and dinner was not appealing, it got to the point I would rather not eat then to eat another bite of broth. I have really learned to appreciate variety.

I now attend a support group that my doctor has set up for his patients once a month, I really enjoy going and hearing the stories and other peoples situations and how they work through them. Except for one girl who talks though the whole meeting and once she gets started she never shuts up and treats the meeting like her personal therapy session. I finally got in the question about being tired and having no energy after periods of energy coming out my ears. Which I love, I hate the no energy issues, I hate being unproductive. I was told that it is expected for me to be tired, because I had major surgery and that my body is not use to eating so little and that it is a readjustment to the change. I laughed and told them, "hell there is no way my body is tired from not having food, because with this body there is enough to eat from then a grand buffet." I crack myself up sometimes.

Well on that note, I need to go and get cleaned up because I am taking my son to, to take his ASFAB test today. Things are always changing around here lately. I just need to learn to readjust to them growing up and leaving home. Another very hard thing for me.

Monday, April 14, 2014


I come out of the Doctors office after hearing all the good and the ugly of this surgery, scared out of my wits, but knowing I have to just saddle this horse and go for the ride. What is the first song that come on the radio as I start the car. Fozen's Let it Go....I thank the lord for giving me a sign!!! Still don't breathing, but I am believing now!!

After the surgery a new theme song will be added to my life. Ps. do you see a pattern with winter...LOL!!

 Don't be the rule be the exception

Even when I was actually thin, I always thought I was fat. Specially in high school. 
 I have been waiting for this next week for 6 month's, you think I would be prepared for this. I am so excited to have my life back and scared at the same time. Why am I scared? I think it is just the unknowing. I can't imagine myself thin and healthy. More then half my life I was but I can't remember what it was like. Stupid I know. Maybe after talking to the hospital today, it will put me at easy with the surgery and then everything else should calm down. PLEASE!!!! I really want the next journey to begin, because it looks like it is going to be amazing!!!!

 I believe that right now is the start of my quantum moment, when my past is going to meet my future, that every thing has been built for this next step in my life, I have been guided and taught for what is about to happen in this new journey. New me, new career and new beginnings. You wonder why things happen, well I think I am about to see why everything has happens thus far.

  I have embraced all the changes that have been coming my way and I am loving every aspect of it. I was afraid of surgery because of the anesthesiologist of the last surgery, big scare!! Even after going to the hospital and talking to the new one, I was still if not more scared then when I went in. After I left and I was driving home it hit me. Nothing could be worse then what I have been living for the past 10 years. This is hell, not the operation. I have been given a path to a new journey that will join the journey I have been on for the past 4 years and I am going to embrace it with everything I have.

I am sure this sounds like a bunch of rambling, but they are thought that keep going through my head.  

Tomorrow is my surgery and I know I want whats coming my way. I am looking at all the wonderful things I am going to gain.  I have dreams and desires I have yet to fulfill. I have given my all to my kids for the past 25 years and now I want to enjoy all the things I have been craving to do. 

Everyone believes I am taking the easy way out, but there is no easy way out of this hell. What I have to go through to succeed most people would not be willing to do. I have too have so much dedication to make this work, specially because I don't want to get sick. What they describe happens to people is not something I want to experience. As I sit here writing this I am getting dizzy just thinking about it.

I am ready for my life to start a new journey and live it up!!

Sorry if this sounds so off the cuff and rambling, but that is where my head is right now.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Frayed Knot

I am a ball of emotions and feeling like a frayed knot, but am holding on by a thread. So much is going on right now, I am starting to feel like I am living a never ending Anxiety attack.

I am three weeks out of my final days of my bachelors degree. It amazes me that it flew by, but felt like a life time. All while I am in a holding pattern for a new career in counseling. I have to have my bachelors degree to even begin. I am tired of leaving on the edge loosing everything. I am ready to start a new beginning.

Then there is the surgery that is now 28 days away. I am scared, excited all at the same time.

Then my son has decided to tell me he wants to join the military, I am excited for him and worried all at the same time. It goes on from there, this is list is just never ending right now. I am just a a wreck with emotions. I don't know if I should be scared, happy, worried, excited, nervous and so on and so on. Sometimes I wake up and I can't even breath, I have so much to do and little time to do it in, all while I am in pain because of my knees, which I just don't have time for. But have no choice when I can't walk.

I just keep my focus on the moment and try to breath through it. I know what I want and I am going to get it, but for some reasons, beyond my control my body has decided to act up while my mind is yelling for everything to get in line and move forward with out all the stress factors that are going on. I feel like my mind and body is a war zone right now.

I love these quotes they are helping me stay focused.

I'm trying to stay as calm as possible and focus one day at a time, but when reality sets in, I feel everything: anxiety, excitement, nerves, pressure and joy.
Shawn Johnson

“So much of what is best in us is bound up in our love of family, that it remains the measure of our stability because it measures our sense of loyalty.” 

Haniel Long 


I have always been a found lover of snowflakes, so when Frozen came out I had to go and see it, because of the snow flakes they keep showing. Boy did that movie have more to offer me then just pretty snow flakes. I can relate to the song Let it Go. It has become my theme song for my new journey in life. I have lost 25 years of my life and look forward to the years to come. I once explained it to someone, that for 25 years I was mom, I was not Beth, and I had no meaning, I only lived for my kids. I can't not tell you about anything that happened to me, but I can tell you all the amazing things that my kids did. I just did not exist.

The last years I remember before the kids came into my life was in my early 20's. Loving life!!! I did not come back to life until I was told I should have died that day four years ago. My 30's and half of my 40's are gone, not even a memory. It is almost like I was not even here. I never saw my self in a mirror, I never did anything for me, but I lived through my children. I know this seems confusing and I wish I could explain it better, but I can't. I feel as if I was abducted and just watch from a far what my kids where doing, and then all of sudden I was back here on earth 25 years later.

So the movie Frozen has great strength for me. I am living the words let it go.

"Let It Go"

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I’m the Queen.

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door

I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry

Here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let the storm rage on

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past

Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone

Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

I will begin a new life and will enjoy every moment of it, as soon as I can get past all that is going on at once. Maybe I can breath again around mid June. The excitement is becoming over whelming!!!!

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Staying positive, is rather difficult at times

I am having a hard time staying positive. Some days are easier then others, but for the most part it is difficult. I know we are not suppose to look in the past because we can't change it, what is done is done, but I keep trying to see how I went so wrong.

Wrong is the operative word, I have caused so many wrongs in this life I don't know where to begin. I understand we learn from our mistakes, but how many mistakes I made and yet I have not learned or have I? I believe we are suppose to learn lessons while we are here, man I am learning some hard core lessons.

In the grand scheme of things, I am better then most, but no  matter how we look at it we want the most out of this life that we can get.  I look around me lately and I see so many very sad things happening to the people I love, it breaks my heart. I always thought being this miserable (meaning being over weight and not knowing how it happened) was the worst thing possible, but in reality it is a mere nothing. I am lucky to be here, enjoying what I have.

My little brother is over coming a brain injury and there might be somethings that he never over comes. I talk to him and see how miserable he is, because he can no longer be independent and live a life with out forgetting, being angry, and not knowing what is really going on around him. He lives everyday not knowing if the brain aneurysm will cause him his life or if he will require surgery again. My brother was involved in a hit and run accident on his motorcycle and was in a coma for 10 days, and does not remember the accident so nothing can be done in regards to who hit him. He hit the pavement with his head and broke many, many bones in his face, and the orbital eye socket was damaged so bad that he has difficulty seeing and sees double. He will require surgery for that and many other surgery's to fix all that is broken, but they will not do anything right now because fixing his brain is much more important then anything else. Come November they will tell him if there is any chance of having a normal life again. I know he is scared out of his mind.
The really sad part is the fact that his insurance is running out and has no savings left and can't work, so how does he afford what has to be done? The government has put a hold on him because they are greedy!! But hey lets make sure the people who run our country has their health insurance for them and their whole family and make sure we foot the bill when we can't even afford it for our selves. Don't even get me started on that!!

I wrote this awhile back, but it still holds true today, every word. My count down begins to a life changing alteration in my life once again, but this one will be a positive one. I am scared and excited at the same time. Things are starting to change in my life, and I have to look at only the postive side of it, but I have been on the negative side for so long for MYSELF, I do not know how to change the channel. I have always been on the positive side for everyone else, and I have to believe it is time to take care of me. If I do not do this I will miss out on the last quarters of my life that could be oh so truly amazing.

My Instructor described it the best in class not to long ago and it so hit home for me. He stated that his life is like a hockey game and he is in the third quarter with sudden death not to far away. Since we are close in age, I truly relate. I am NOT GOING INTO SUDDEN DEATH, AND I WILL NOT ALLOW MY LIFE TO END ON THE THIRD QUARTER. I have so much to do now.

I will say this with all the conviction of my soul, I am going to stay postive even when it is difficult. I tell my self every day; there is always someone out there that has it worse then you, don't forget that. I will come through this journey stronger then I have ever been.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Do We Know Who We Really Are Ever?

Do we know who we really are ever? Just when you think you know things change,  you change. I don't think we ever stay the same person all our lives. The song by Supertramp; the logic song really makes you wonder who you are.

I believe I am starting to change again and I don't know the out come at this point, for an example; Today I was having a discussion about how I am tired of everyone just walking over me, and that I started to speak up. You really have to push me past my breaking point before I say something, then I feel sorry and guilty for having said anything at all. I realized today that I am more like Sonny in Grease, specially the scene  when he is speaking to his friends while he is running his mouth and gets caught by Principal McGee.  It is kind of ironic because I am at a point in my life where I feel like I am tired of the crap. So when he states, ' I just not going to take any of her crap thats all, I don't take no crap from nobody' that is how I feel right now. But the old me would have done exactly what Sonny did when Principal McGee came around the corner.
( just in case you want to see the scene)

Funny how life changes because in my younger years I felt like I was more like Rizzo, not the slutty part that she seems to portray, but the aggressive out going person who was always out to get things done and have a good time doing it, I need to get back to that high self esteem that I have inside of me. Since I have put on this weight I am afraid to go out there and portray that personality unless  you know me. I have been shot down, made fun of, passed over and worst of all looked down at with disgust. I know I am a wonderful person and do amazing things when I am not hiding from others, but the looks always remind me of my shame and the disgust of my self; as I stated before I can't even look at my self in a mirror or window and god forbid I see my shadow. UGH!!!

Funny thing is I use to have my hair cut like this most of my life. I miss being that strong. In 30 days I will be under the knife to get my life and health back. I am scared as hell and excited all at the same time. I am afraid of the unknown, this is not something I have ever experienced and when you hear the horror stories it really makes one wonder if I am doing the right thing. Yet, I know I am, Sorry if I am confusing you, but I am confused myself at this point, so many emotions running through my head every day, I don't know if I am coming or going. I do know I am looking forward to feeling real again, and not that lonely girl in the corner just letting life pass her by.

I look forward to not taking medicine every day, not sleeping with a mask over my face every night, not feeling disgusted when I have to get in the shower or brush my teeth because I might accidentally look in the mirror. I really can't wait to feel what it is like not to worry if I laugh, sneeze or cough and end up peeing my self. One of my most embarrassing moments is when I first gained all this weight after my year of steroids. We were just coming home from a weekend at Indiana beach with the family, there had to be about 20 of us. We stopped to have lunch together before we all had to go separate ways to get home. My asthma was really acting up and I ended up going into a coughing attack at the table in a crowded restaurant. The next thing I know I am peeing all over myself, and I am not talking a little bit. Sorry for this, but it is the only way to describe it. It was running down the chair and on to the floor. Everyone was now staring at me because I was coughing so hard, when my girl friend realized what was happening  to me. she saw the tears running down my face and the scared look of horror between the coughs. she looked down at the floor and saw it just flowing down. I know everyone in the restaurant saw it too after all the noise I was making with my coughing and people were looking over at me. My girlfriend quick grabbed my husbands jacket, because it was the only thing big enough to shield me. I was too afraid to get up and too afraid to stay, a feeling I never want to feel again. As I said above I can't wait to not have that fear in my life anymore. I don't go places that are far from a bathroom and I always wear dark pants just in case. funny how I can be excited to be normal again. I will end on this note for now.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

My Suit of Armor

They say I wear this armor of fat because I am not letting go of something in my past. I know this maybe true even though of my medical conditions. I am not sure what that could be though. I search and search in my past to find the cause. Just not sure where to pinpoint the problem.
Crowned Queen by my granddaugher Ailina

Is it because my uncles called me buffalo butt when I was a teenager? Was it because my dad was not in my life? Is because my family was not the most loving family in the world? Was it because my brother use to get beat on a regular basis because he was being a boy? Did my husband not being excepted by my family cause this? When everyone of my children were born, it was not a happy moment in my families lives and that I was left alone each and every time? When I finally married Mark no one really wanted to be there, because it was not a special day too my family? Or maybe because my husband wanted to be in the bars and with other woman then me? The list could go on and on, but maybe it was not just one thing, just maybe it is a combination of all of them. After all this I then became ill enough to realize I could not keep ignoring it, I had to seek a doctor.

I hated that I had to find a doctor to help me, because it was more important to me to spend the money on my kids, not on me. At this point I was over weight, but not enough to be crazy about, even though I was always trying to loose the "baby" fat. No matter what I did, I could not loose it, even though I was always on the go with the kids, walking miles, swimming all the time, hiking...never had time to sit down with 4 on the go kids.

I found a doctor and was told I had Grave's Disease and that I had to disolve my thyroid to stop it. So I listen; biggest mistake of my life.  Well one of the effects of Graves disease is problems with my eyes, I started to see double and my eye went off finding its own way in life, hence the reason I look so funny. Well they were going to fix that and put me on serious amounts of steroids. After a year of steroids and my body doubling in size, my eye was still living its own wayward life.

So here I sit, double in size, wearing a funny eye and wondering why I still wear this armour no matter what I do. Every time I get on a roll and see success happening in my life, I end up in the hospital with some operation, and I end up back at square one.  After about 4 operations, I sit here waiting for an operation that they say will fix all these problems that I carry around with me. The weight will be gone, the pills will be gone sleep apnea will be gone and my health will be back. I pray everyday this waiting time goes by fast, because I want to get back to feeling good.

In the mean time, I sit here and wonder about the emotional part of this. I see a counselor every week trying to figure out what weighs so heavy on my heart. I know I am a very emotional person, my mother tells me all the time to stop being the victim, stop felling so much, suck it up. I have tried but that is not who I am. I know my mother is one of the strongest woman I have meet, but I don't want to be so tough. I like who I am, I like that I wear my heart on my sleeve, that is who I am.

With that said, I have to say the hardest thing I think I live with; because it comes up time and time again with my Doctor, is my kids. I have such love for them that I find it hard not to do everything for them. I fix all their problems since I could remember. I never asked them to do or be anything more then kids. I did everything. I see now that I did more harm then great, because I never gave them a chance to make mistakes, to learn from lessons and to be responsible human beings. Today they are young adults and teenagers and I can't stop. The hardest part for me is the fact that I love them more then they will ever love me and I don't know how to stop trying to do everything for them, I want to make their lives great, but I can't because they don't want to listen to me anymore. I really messed up.

Today I sit here and realize I have to stop, I have to allow them to do what they are going to do. It is their lives and they have to live them, they have to make mistakes, they have to learn now, when they should have learned when they were little and I still could protect them. Now they are adults and I can't protect them if it gets bad enough. How could I have been so stupid? I truly believe this is why I wear this armour of fat. I am afraid to go on with my life, even though I want to, because if I leave them behind (in the sense of the word) and go on with my life, how will I protect all the damage I have done?! I have to trust that when the time comes they will hear my voice in the back of their memories to do the right thing. I have to tell my self, I can go on and still be here when they want to talk or get advice, but I have to go on.

This is my year of abundance, I have been here for everyone all along, now it is time for me to be here for me. I am ready for this and I will keep dealing with all my regrets and embrace them and except what I can't change. I know they are amazing kids, they just have to realize they are and start living their lives with out mommy fixing everything.
My Babies,except Jade and I am pretty sure she is working the camera as always