I am having a hard time staying positive. Some days are easier then others, but for the most part it is difficult. I know we are not suppose to look in the past because we can't change it, what is done is done, but I keep trying to see how I went so wrong.
Wrong is the operative word, I have caused so many wrongs in this life I don't know where to begin. I understand we learn from our mistakes, but how many mistakes I made and yet I have not learned or have I? I believe we are suppose to learn lessons while we are here, man I am learning some hard core lessons.
In the grand scheme of things, I am better then most, but no matter how we look at it we want the most out of this life that we can get. I look around me lately and I see so many very sad things happening to the people I love, it breaks my heart. I always thought being this miserable (meaning being over weight and not knowing how it happened) was the worst thing possible, but in reality it is a mere nothing. I am lucky to be here, enjoying what I have.
My little brother is over coming a brain injury and there might be somethings that he never over comes. I talk to him and see how miserable he is, because he can no longer be independent and live a life with out forgetting, being angry, and not knowing what is really going on around him. He lives everyday not knowing if the brain aneurysm will cause him his life or if he will require surgery again. My brother was involved in a hit and run accident on his motorcycle and was in a coma for 10 days, and does not remember the accident so nothing can be done in regards to who hit him. He hit the pavement with his head and broke many, many bones in his face, and the orbital eye socket was damaged so bad that he has difficulty seeing and sees double. He will require surgery for that and many other surgery's to fix all that is broken, but they will not do anything right now because fixing his brain is much more important then anything else. Come November they will tell him if there is any chance of having a normal life again. I know he is scared out of his mind.
The really sad part is the fact that his insurance is running out and has no savings left and can't work, so how does he afford what has to be done? The government has put a hold on him because they are greedy!! But hey lets make sure the people who run our country has their health insurance for them and their whole family and make sure we foot the bill when we can't even afford it for our selves. Don't even get me started on that!!
I wrote this awhile back, but it still holds true today, every word. My count down begins to a life changing alteration in my life once again, but this one will be a positive one. I am scared and excited at the same time. Things are starting to change in my life, and I have to look at only the postive side of it, but I have been on the negative side for so long for MYSELF, I do not know how to change the channel. I have always been on the positive side for everyone else, and I have to believe it is time to take care of me. If I do not do this I will miss out on the last quarters of my life that could be oh so truly amazing.
My Instructor described it the best in class not to long ago and it so hit home for me. He stated that his life is like a hockey game and he is in the third quarter with sudden death not to far away. Since we are close in age, I truly relate. I am NOT GOING INTO SUDDEN DEATH, AND I WILL NOT ALLOW MY LIFE TO END ON THE THIRD QUARTER. I have so much to do now.
I will say this with all the conviction of my soul, I am going to stay postive even when it is difficult. I tell my self every day; there is always someone out there that has it worse then you, don't forget that. I will come through this journey stronger then I have ever been.