Wednesday, June 4, 2014

I Had to Remind Myself

I have been so proud of myself and walking around with my head held high. I was even going to my sons graduation with confidence that I would not embarrass him. I was still holding my head up when I had a couple of short comings at the event because I felt really good about the weight I had lost already and was feeling thinner.

At the event we had to tackle 25 stairs (yes I counted)  to get down to our seating area, I thought it was about to kill me. My knees have been bad and the pain sometimes unbearable. But I was not about to let that ruin my amazing day with my family. I bit my tongue and took each step down. I finally made it to my seat and was feeling good about being able to sit in the seat with out feeling like a cow; Let me fill you in why I was afraid of the seats. Outside before we entered the theater my daughter Jade told me the seats were bad, that they were small and you feel as you are sitting on top each other. I asked her if it was like a movie theater seat and she gave me the impression they are worse. All I could think of was great, all these people are going to see the cow try to wiggle into a seat. Well we reached our seats and I sat down and to my surprise I had no trouble and yes they were small, but I was good. I felt really good about myself at that moment. What a great day this is turning out to be for my self esteem, except for the stairs, but then again I was proud because I pushed through the pain.

Then it happened, while waiting for the ceremony to start my stomach decided to turn and when that happens I have seconds to make it to the bathroom. PS. I hope this goes away soon!! Not fun and can be very embarrassing. Well I had that flight of stairs to go up and hope to good the bathroom was available. My youngest son Emilio went with me to make sure I was OK.Thank the lord he was with me because he had to run back down to get my inhaler, the pain was causing me an asthma attack.  I finally make it up the stairs and bump into a friend who wants to show me her new baby, I said what a beautiful boy and fastly walked away. I felt so bad to do that to her. I finally make it to the bathroom to find a line waiting to get in, I thought it was over for me and that I would be spending the day in the hot car alone feeling like a baby with shit in my pants. Then I remembered Jade going into the family bathroom next door, and of course as I reach it a man decides he is going into it. I started to cry because I could not hold a second longer and at that moment the guy opened the door and I ran in. I collected myself and put the smile back on my face, because today was not going to be ruined. But I did get my work out in, I had to defeat those stairs, 4 times. Each time I tackled them I was remembering when I would take two stairs at a time, and look at me now, basically crawling down the stairs.

Well the ceremony ended and we went out side to meet up with Dakota and of course take pictures, I did not hesitate this time to take the pictures because I was feeling confident about my weight loss. I felt so proud to be with my boys in the pictures, because they could be proud of me again.

Yesterday  that came to a screaming holt because I finally was able to see one of the pictures of me. OMG!!! Nothing has changed. I am still huge and don't see any weight loss at all. What is everyone telling me? LIES?

Never in a million years when I was growing up did I ever think I would end up like this. I look back and ask my self how? Why? I know the answer to these questions but I should have realized I was important too. I should have gotten second opinions and I should have researched my options instead if listening to one doctor. But I was more concerned about spending the money on kids then myself. They needed everything more then me. They were the important ones. Now I realize I caused them more harm then good, because they watched their mother go from healthy to unhealthy and almost die. So how did that help them, it did not. I could have done so much more for them if I was not like this. I was a stay at home, but not the one who sat home on her butt kind of mom, even with all my health issues I pushed through everything to be there for them and do for them every step of the way. Not realizing I was embarrassing them everyday.

 I spent a little over 15 years getting sicker and sicker and fatter and fatter. Even now as I sit here it is hard to look at that photo of me, but it is also reminding me of how hard I have to work to not allow the rest of my life to be wasted away. My children have so much more to do in their lives and so do I and I am not going to do it looking like an embarrassment to me or my family. STAYING POSITIVE!!!

I had to remind myself I am only a month and a half out of surgery and that every month will bring a better and healthier me back. I also have to remember that there is a reason I had to cross this journey, and some where in my future that reason will come to light. So for now I am going to believe the next momentous picture I take will be a healthier and more beautiful me. I am grateful for knowing I am an awesome and wonderful person on the inside and I know I seriously rock, it is just hard to see the carriage that carries this soul is in a serious need for a make over. I can at least say that like any other make over, it takes a little time and when it the new carriage is revealed I will be gasping in awe.