Friday, December 27, 2013


Today I saw a post that said if you could go back and tell your younger self something in three words what would you say. I really sat there and could not think of just three words to sum it all up, I typed quite a few things and keep deleting them, then I remembered a country song called Don't Blink. In reality more then money that is the most important thing to remember.

I BLINKED!!! I hate myself for it. I have been going to a therapist and trying to figure out why I am so upset with my life, why I feel so much guilt, why I wear my guilt as an armour. Why I can't forgive my self for all the things I have done. Mind you I did not do anything evil or wrong, but hate that I did not do the things I think of now that would have been more useful in my past. Life happened and I let it, and now as I sit here I have a hard time remembering it all. I blinked!! I am trying very hard these days to not ever blink again, but because I did not secure my future, it makes it more difficult now. I keep telling my self this too shall pass, but I am loosing time.

I keep trying to tell my kids not to blink but they are not listening to me, just as I would not listen to my mother when she gave me advice. I wish she would have told me not to take things for grated, but she did not. I would hope that I would have listened to her at some point in my life when the words would ring back.

I look back and at some points in my life I only see blackness, the memories are not there, I know I lived them, I know I was there, but it is all such a blur. Why did I let this happen? Why did I just walk through life? Questions I can't seem to answer.

Life is not a dress rehearsal we don't get to go back and say I want another take, I said my lines wrong lets go through it again. Why did I not think of these words when I was a teenager? My life would be more memorable, times not forgotten. I would not feel this pain in my heart and want to cry over the moments lost. I wish I could explain it more, but it is just one of those feelings that you just can't explain.

As I sit here I can hear my granddaughter laughing and I am trying to embrace the memory, because I can't remember my children's laughter. I do remember thinking, "I will never forget these moments", but I did forget. How did that happen? The guilt ways heavy on me every day!

If anyone gets anything out of this, please, please remember not to blink! Life happens so fast. Amazingly as I write this sentence I am reminded of me being in John Muir Elementary school in Hoffman Estates in math class and the teacher asked us to do a math problem using our selves. The problem was, how old will you be in the year 2000. I remember doing the math  and thinking 36 is so far away, and man will I be old. I look back now and see how fast 36 has come and gone and that is not old. I see now that was just a flash of time, it happened so quick, in reality I BLINKED.

So Don't Blink! Life goes like a fast. Give love, respect. Take a moment and listen to this song, it will be well worth your 5 minutes and 7 seconds.

Boy is my psychologist in for a ride next week, now that I came up with. 

Thursday, December 26, 2013


Months ago I told everyone about a journey that I have started and I am now at the end of my fourth month, I have been excited and scared all at the same time. As I get closer to the 6th month waiting period I grow more and more positive that this will bring my health life back. Today after  a along exhausting month for me I sit and look at the moments of the past couple of days and just want to sit down and cry. Both from the joy and peace it brings me, but also from the disgust of the pictures that were taken.

This event was very dear to my heart, we worked with a church to help the homeless children have Christmas Dinner and Receive presents from Santa. I started a toy drive because my granddaughter wanted me to help her achieve a goal for her beauty pageants that she is involved with. We named our project the Mele Kalikimaka because of Ailina's name and heritage of her great grandmother. In these pictures Ailina is crowning me Queen of the Mele Kalikimaka Angel Project.  Needless to say I cried and laughed with pure enjoyment. Then I saw the pictures and cried because of how bad I look. I know the vessel that my soul is in, is far from attractive and I always seem to forget that because I love the soul that is carried within it.

Last night I was not going to allow anyone to post these pictures and to be all honest there was some that I did not allow. I was afraid what others are saying and I am sure they are saying things like: OMG what happened to her, what a Fat A**, she really looks bad and so forth. To be truthful I am excepting this because for some reason I was meant to be on this journey. I have seen both sides of the fence; I don't like this side; but I have to learn what ever lesson I was meant to learn to continue on with life.

Every month I go to the doctor I cry about how I look and feel health wise and he is constantly reminding me of how it is not all my fault, that there is factors I have no control over, at first I did not believe him because I have alway blamed myself. Then I started to see after 5 months what he was talking about. I see the roller coaster of the weight on and off, I loose 20 to 30 pounds and then next month I gained it all back. I am starting to understand and learn what he is talking about hence the reason why I am going full blown with the surgery because I am not succeeding on my own, I need this to jump start my metabolism.

Also in these pictures you can see the effects of the Grave's Disease had on me, my eye. I hate this the most!! I was always so proud of my eyes and now they look funny!! I am hoping that when I loose weight it will not look as bad as it does.

I love myself but have been told if I did I would not look the way I do.  So we are clear I am an example of a fat person who does love who they are. Don't get me wrong I do have guilts of things I have done in my life when it comes to my kids (guilt of not giving them a better life, I could have given them more opportunities then I did because of my income level and chooses I made to stay in a bad relationship) and I am learning to forgive my self every day, but that has nothing to do with not thinking I am an awesome person. I am the first one to get out in front of everyone and put myself out there, because in my mind I am not fat, I am not gross to look at, and I am not FAT!! But pictures do not lie and I have my moments when I stop and look at them, as I said before I do not look in mirrors it is to hard for me, so I tend to forget that I carry around TWO of me every day. Today is one of those days.

I just keep reminding my self that life is going to change for me again in a couple of months and to not give up on all that I am doing. Not having a job right now is not helping because I can't get to my Zumba classes, but hopefully that will change in the next week or so and I will be working again and all will be right in the world. Then I will be back to my Zumba classes that I love and look like fool in. I specially love when my son does them with me. In the mean time I have been doing home yoga sessions. In the new year, I will have the room to do morning yoga at home and that will make a world of difference for me, even if if just stretches me out.

I have chosen to BELIEVE (my favorite word) that this year is the year of ABUNDANCE!!

<3 ALWAYS!!! <3

Thursday, September 26, 2013


I went to my first Zumba class tonight and what a class it was, Zumba out side on an amazingly wonderful night. Nothing but butt kicking dancing, Love all the Hispanic dances!! It really keep me up beat and made the time fly. The instructor is just insane and with an awesome spirit!! 

My girlfriend was bragging about it on-line so I decided to give it a try, it is aways from the house, but after going it was well worth the drive. I was really nervous about going and really thought I could not do this. I am sure I was the biggest woman there, but they made be feel welcomed and encouraged me, even the instructor keep giving me looks of encouragement and signals that I was doing well. The fear started to melt away and I started to really enjoy myself.
 Mind you I did not do most of the moves, but I keep moving even if it was wrong. 
Over time they will come, but I have to say even through all the pain I had a smile on my face.

As I watch most of the women there, they were really getting into it and it gave me encouragement to know that one day soon I will be like them once again.

I had to put my knee brace on as soon as I arrived home, but that is OK, because I know one day I will be throwing this thing away. My heart sunk as soon as I saw my picture on face book doing Zumba, I thought OMG, I felt so thin while I was doing the classes, but pictures do not lie. As this words escaped my mouth, my son told me to stop, he asked me why I was down grading myself? I told him look, pictures don't lie and boy that is one fat mama. Then I got told! Mom, stop! You are out there doing it and that is all that matters. Boy he told me didn't he? I just have to remember the body that I possess right now is not the body I will possess forever, I will have my life back...a healthy sexy me again. 

So I remind my self every day, I love my life and I sure in the hell Love ME!!

Loving life!! MUMS POWER all the way!!

Thursday, September 12, 2013

A giving heart

When I start to feel sorry for myself and wish I had things like owning my own home, or a new car, or having loads of money in the bank, I some how get reminded rather quickly to knock it off. You never know who maybe sitting next you wishing they had your problems and not the ones they live with. Today I had a very specially lady who I have only spoken to over emails and maybe a couple of times over the phone, send me an email telling me she left thing in the garage because she heard I could use them or be able to give them to people who are in need. 

Every day I go to school I have special souls around me who are homeless and yet find away to go to school to change their lives. I help them every chance I get with some other very special people who work with me. The things this special lady left me in her garage as she heads back home to the UK was my reminder of what I truly see as important, being there for each other, because you see I can take that with me, materialistic things I can not.

 Don't get me wrong I truly will enjoy my home when I buy one and any other special things that may come my way, but I will always enjoy the love I receive from those who truly  matter.
When I start to feel sorry for myself and wish I had things like owning my own home, or a new car, or having loads of money in the bank, I some how get reminded rather quickly to knock it off. You never know who maybe sitting next you wishing they had your problems and not the ones they live with. Today I had a very specially lady who I have only spoken to over emails and maybe a couple of times over the phone, send me an email telling me she left thing in the garage because she heard I could use them or be able to give them to people who are in need.

Every day I go to school I have special souls around me who are homeless and yet find away to go to school to change their lives. I help them every chance I get with some other very special people who work with me. The things this special lady left me in her garage as she heads back home to the UK was my reminder of what I truly see as important, being there for each other, because you see I can take that with me, materialistic things I can not.

Don't get me wrong I truly will enjoy my home when I buy one and any other special things that may come my way, but I will always enjoy the love I receive from those who truly matter.
On a side note, I received a call from my Primary Doctor today to tell me he received information from the surgeon and he wants me in his office to discuss this.  I am taking this as a very positive thing, because he knows how bad I want to do this to get my health back. I have felt like a failure up until a couple of weeks ago,  I thought how come I could not do what should come naturally. I am learning there are many reasons why and no matter what I do I will not achieve that goal with out the help of surgery. 

I am not sure if I have said this before, but my metabolism has basically stopped. I have so many medical problems they just keep growing and my metabolism has given up. I know a lot of you are sitting out there saying bull-ony, but I am saying this in laimens terms because I have given up trying to understand all the medical terms I have gone through over the years.  It all started when the dissolved my thyroid, because with hypothyroidism I contracted Graves Disease and I lost control of my eyes, not the norm way where your eyes bulge out, but I have lost muscle control in one of my eyes and I see double all the time, and it takes everything I have to keep it under control, but that has taken many years, hence the reason for  being on steroids for over a year., hence the weight.  Well my eye is not fixed and I am fat and the problems just started to grow. Any ways I  really don't want to get into all that right at the moment because I am happy that this surgery is rolling along. I pray every night that nothing gets in my way, because once my metabolism kicks back in I can get my health back and be able to do all the activities I use to love, and this weight will never return. 

Monday I go back into see my doctor and I pray that this new journey is moving along so I can get the surgery  done in November and be able to start the new year with a new fix on life.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013


        As the bell toled the tears started to flow, faintly in the distance I could hear the sirens sound, memory of all those people on this day still breaks my heart. All the loved ones lost for ones personal gain, how said life has become when money and power has greater value then life. Life has value, life has meaning how can it be take away for greed? Dear Lord, keep humanity in your heart and bring it back to the people of this world.

       After having to pull over because the emotions over came me, I thought of a man whom I see every day as I drive to work, I enjoy seeing him and today seemed more important then ever. I dried my tears, gained my composure and pulled back on to the road, my goal was to see this wonderful man today. Evey morning on a rather busy road that is an outlet from Poinciana I see a gentleman walking his two rottweilers  as he walks down the side walk with these majestic dogs he waves good morning to ever car that goes by with a smile on his face and joy in his heart, you can see this by his actions, this is something he truly enjoys, very warm and touching to see.

      Today I really needed to see him and wave to him like I do every morning he is in my view, he walks a great distance so I am not always lucky to have him be in the area I drive. I needed to see humanity at its finest, the joy of loving life and giving back to his fellow man with a simple gesture of hello, good morning with a smile. As I turned on to Pleasant Hill road, I started to watch for him, yet he was not there, as I turned down my street I hesitated and looked further down the road to see if I just missed him, but he was not there.

       I would like to stop one day just to tell him how he makes my day every morning. Today would have been that day, but I am sure he was home with his loved ones in rememberence of today. I can tell you I am not the only one, because the regulars who travel down the road always give him a friendly beep with a wave out the window. He offers nothing but a simple gesture to all he passes and that simple geasture could change someones life. A lesson everyone needs to learn.

 I said I would stop and get his picture, but he was to far away from my intersection, so I pulled off to the side of the road and took the only picture I could today, he saw me and yelled across the street Good morning have a nice day and as always with a hug wave and big smile. Made my day!! (UPDATED 9/12/2013)


Saturday, September 7, 2013

Can I Face this Challenge?

Monday is right around the corner, this will be my first appointment with the doctor who says he can change my life, again. I am always Leary when a Doctor says he can help me. I always had one doctor my whole life and when I moved away I never went to a doctor as I said before. When I finally did because I was tired and had no sex drive (my husband was not understanding and went elsewhere) oh yeah, and my hair was falling out. The doctor fixed me alright, dissolved my thyroid and put me on steroids to fix my eye from the Graves’ disease. Then It all went downhill from there. I was still tired, my hair was still falling out and sex was not even in my vocabulary. but to top it all off other problems started to pile on.

            I gained so much weight I could not even look at myself in a mirror any more, and still can't to this day. Do you even know how hard that is, everywhere seems to be a reflection?
Going off the path for a moment, my bank has these new drive ups that have video cameras going so you can see the teller up close and personal, but when he walks away the camera reverts back to you and you see yourself. cREEPY!!  Especially when you can't stand the sight of yourself, my son loves it, he sits and makes all kinds of faces and enjoys his reflection.

Back to what I was saying; then the fun really began. I could no longer sleep and started to hallucinate, it scared the hell out of me and my family. I was the only one who could drive and I would fall asleep at the wheel. I had to stop driving when it was bad, because I was so afraid. My kids would grab the wheel and yell mom, I was stuck between a rock and and a hard place, I had no one to help me get my kids where they needed to be. I can hear you now, but I had to keep going, I had no choice. Please don’t judge! I am just being plan honest, I had no other choice at the time. 

over time brought on the heart problems. The final topper was three and half years ago, when I could not come out of one of my episodes, I could hear everything around me and even talk to my kids when they finally got home. But I could not wake up, I am not sure to this day if I called my husband or if the kids did, but I remember saying or thinking I am dying.  I don't remember anything except when I realized I was in the ER waiting for the doctors, I was able to open my eyes look around and that was it, gone again. The next thing I remember is waking up in my hospital room.  That is where I learned how bad I was. I have congestive heart failure and am lucky to be alive, I already I knew I had asthma, but then the laundry list just started to grow.

This was right before I went into the hospital; the only thing amazing about this picture is my babies around me.
(p.s. I still can’t believe I am letting you see me)

I still have these problems, and I am fighting them every day, every time I think I am making head way, I end up back in the hospital again. I look like a gutted pig on my stomach and the other day I realized I don’t even have a belly button anymore, because of the amount of surgeries.  You ask how did I just notice this? Well, it is easy I don’t look in the mirror and I hate touching any part of my body that is huge, i.e. my stomach. 

I walk around in a cloud most of the time because it is easy to forget the hell I go through every day.  Probably not the smartest thing I could have done, but I did not know what else to do. I had to take care of the kids and they were always my priority. They are older now and I am starting to realize if I don’t take care of me, I will not be around to see them become amazing people and I will not be able to love my grandbabies from the grave. 

I am sorry if this seems like I ramble, but I have so much to say and when I write this I feel like a load has been lifted off my shoulders. Today I actually walked around with my son, not caring what other said or did behind my back. Most people who know me will be surprised by this, because I have always walked around with a persona of not caring what other think and I have taught  my kids that, but deep down inside it hurts, and it hurts bad.
Another side note, to give you an example of the pain of words has on me. I was out with the family and pulled into a 7-11 some guy with a pickup truck came flying out of the parking spot and when I beeped at him to let him know that he almost hit me and to stop, he backed up further and pulled up to my window and said, “slow down bitch the chips will still be there when you get in.” and then he flew off. I did not let the kids see me, but when I got home I hide and cried like no other. I can still hear his words and they go straight to my core. 

Funny thing is I feel as thin as a rail in my head, but reality hits and I see the truth, but I know this journey is for a reason, and we always don’t know what the reason is right away and in my case it has been a long time, but something tells me the truth will be known soon. 

I have to remember the saying I tell all my young students I help at school, “What would you do if you were not afraid?” 

Friday, September 6, 2013


I am really scared to start this, but here it goes. My name is Beth and I am 40 something; sorry I will not even tell my self the truth of my age. I was a stay at home mom for more years then I can even believe. I will not lie it was the most important job I could do in life. I was far from perfect put I did the best for my kids that I could. I have made many mistakes, but my goal was to give my kids the best childhood I could. They were and are the most important thing in my life, people use to call me an earth mom; I guess because I kind of resembled one after awhile.
In many ways it was a complement, because they could not believe everything evolved around my kids in my eyes and yet to see the goddess, I realized I resembled her. No matter what I told myself, nothing mattered but my kids. I did not spend money or go to doctors because it would take away from my kids. Over the years it really started to take a toll on me and I was loosing a battle with my health, so I finally broke down and went to a clinic to find out what was going on with me.
I have now been on that journey of my health for over 12 years, at first things started to work and then it went down hill. The best way I can say this is, the doctors were going to fix me, well they did that alright. I gained even more weight after a year of steroids, I now have more problems then what I started with and almost lost my life 31/2 years ago. I left the hospital with my life, thank heavens, but I could not walk more then a couple of feet at time. I swore I would make a difference some way some how, even though I felt I was fighting a loosing battle. I have come along way in three and half years, but I have so much further to go. I have changed many aspects in my life, but my medical problems still fallow me because I can't get rid of this weight. This is the scariest part for me, so here it goes...I am only 5'1" if I am lucky and I weigh just under 300 lbs. OMG I actually said it. I still can't breath I am so scared to say this.
I will tell more stories about the past as I go along, but I needed to say this part first and for most because it is the hardest thing for me to admit. I don't allow any one in my past to see me because I am so ashamed. Just this past couple months I have found doctors who are willing to help me over come this and have explained to me that I am fitting a battle that is one of the hardest to over come. Because I have has so many health problems in the past, I have literally stopped my metabolism.  I have gone through so many programs to make this weight go away with no success. I feel like a complete failure. I am not perfect by any means but when I put my best foot forward I always find a way to succeed, yet with this I never have.
I will say this I am not giving up on my battle, because as I said before my children are my world and I want to be here to enjoy every moment I can with their life journeys and of course I am learning to enjoy my lifes journeys now.
My friends now can't keep up with me, and can't figure out how I keep going when some of them are half my age and of course more then half my weight and I run them into the ground. I love life and I love all the challenges I am facing I just don't love the "vehicle" I am traveling in to move through my journeys of life. I want the old me back.
I know this picture is old, but it is one of my favorites because it was a very happy time for me. What is really funny is remembering how fat I thought I was next to my girlfriend. I wish I knew then what I know now, I would have know how to work my self esteem better. I was actually quite beautiful and did not even know it, because I did not look like my friend who all the guys loved. Boy was I wrong!!
Any ways I am going to get back the body I had before kids, I will never be the young me, but I will have the older me who rocks life.
1,2, 3 breath, I have finally admitted the hardest part of my life. If you are some one from my past please don't gasp with air when you read this, just know this is my life's journey for some reason, and I will make it through just to see what is waiting for me on the other side.
If you are still with me, I am going to continue to post as I go along, and I will not hold back and tell you everything I have been through, what I will be going through. Maybe some stuff that might surprise you, because some of them surprise me. <3