Thursday, December 26, 2013

I KNOW THE VESSEL THAT MY SOUL IS IN, IS FAR FROM ATTRACTIVE....

Months ago I told everyone about a journey that I have started and I am now at the end of my fourth month, I have been excited and scared all at the same time. As I get closer to the 6th month waiting period I grow more and more positive that this will bring my health life back. Today after  a along exhausting month for me I sit and look at the moments of the past couple of days and just want to sit down and cry. Both from the joy and peace it brings me, but also from the disgust of the pictures that were taken.


This event was very dear to my heart, we worked with a church to help the homeless children have Christmas Dinner and Receive presents from Santa. I started a toy drive because my granddaughter wanted me to help her achieve a goal for her beauty pageants that she is involved with. We named our project the Mele Kalikimaka because of Ailina's name and heritage of her great grandmother. In these pictures Ailina is crowning me Queen of the Mele Kalikimaka Angel Project.  Needless to say I cried and laughed with pure enjoyment. Then I saw the pictures and cried because of how bad I look. I know the vessel that my soul is in, is far from attractive and I always seem to forget that because I love the soul that is carried within it.

Last night I was not going to allow anyone to post these pictures and to be all honest there was some that I did not allow. I was afraid what others are saying and I am sure they are saying things like: OMG what happened to her, what a Fat A**, she really looks bad and so forth. To be truthful I am excepting this because for some reason I was meant to be on this journey. I have seen both sides of the fence; I don't like this side; but I have to learn what ever lesson I was meant to learn to continue on with life.

Every month I go to the doctor I cry about how I look and feel health wise and he is constantly reminding me of how it is not all my fault, that there is factors I have no control over, at first I did not believe him because I have alway blamed myself. Then I started to see after 5 months what he was talking about. I see the roller coaster of the weight on and off, I loose 20 to 30 pounds and then next month I gained it all back. I am starting to understand and learn what he is talking about hence the reason why I am going full blown with the surgery because I am not succeeding on my own, I need this to jump start my metabolism.

Also in these pictures you can see the effects of the Grave's Disease had on me, my eye. I hate this the most!! I was always so proud of my eyes and now they look funny!! I am hoping that when I loose weight it will not look as bad as it does.

I love myself but have been told if I did I would not look the way I do.  So we are clear I am an example of a fat person who does love who they are. Don't get me wrong I do have guilts of things I have done in my life when it comes to my kids (guilt of not giving them a better life, I could have given them more opportunities then I did because of my income level and chooses I made to stay in a bad relationship) and I am learning to forgive my self every day, but that has nothing to do with not thinking I am an awesome person. I am the first one to get out in front of everyone and put myself out there, because in my mind I am not fat, I am not gross to look at, and I am not FAT!! But pictures do not lie and I have my moments when I stop and look at them, as I said before I do not look in mirrors it is to hard for me, so I tend to forget that I carry around TWO of me every day. Today is one of those days.

I just keep reminding my self that life is going to change for me again in a couple of months and to not give up on all that I am doing. Not having a job right now is not helping because I can't get to my Zumba classes, but hopefully that will change in the next week or so and I will be working again and all will be right in the world. Then I will be back to my Zumba classes that I love and look like fool in. I specially love when my son does them with me. In the mean time I have been doing home yoga sessions. In the new year, I will have the room to do morning yoga at home and that will make a world of difference for me, even if if just stretches me out.

I have chosen to BELIEVE (my favorite word) that this year is the year of ABUNDANCE!!

I BELIEVE!!!
<3 ALWAYS!!! <3