Friday, December 27, 2013


Today I saw a post that said if you could go back and tell your younger self something in three words what would you say. I really sat there and could not think of just three words to sum it all up, I typed quite a few things and keep deleting them, then I remembered a country song called Don't Blink. In reality more then money that is the most important thing to remember.

I BLINKED!!! I hate myself for it. I have been going to a therapist and trying to figure out why I am so upset with my life, why I feel so much guilt, why I wear my guilt as an armour. Why I can't forgive my self for all the things I have done. Mind you I did not do anything evil or wrong, but hate that I did not do the things I think of now that would have been more useful in my past. Life happened and I let it, and now as I sit here I have a hard time remembering it all. I blinked!! I am trying very hard these days to not ever blink again, but because I did not secure my future, it makes it more difficult now. I keep telling my self this too shall pass, but I am loosing time.

I keep trying to tell my kids not to blink but they are not listening to me, just as I would not listen to my mother when she gave me advice. I wish she would have told me not to take things for grated, but she did not. I would hope that I would have listened to her at some point in my life when the words would ring back.

I look back and at some points in my life I only see blackness, the memories are not there, I know I lived them, I know I was there, but it is all such a blur. Why did I let this happen? Why did I just walk through life? Questions I can't seem to answer.

Life is not a dress rehearsal we don't get to go back and say I want another take, I said my lines wrong lets go through it again. Why did I not think of these words when I was a teenager? My life would be more memorable, times not forgotten. I would not feel this pain in my heart and want to cry over the moments lost. I wish I could explain it more, but it is just one of those feelings that you just can't explain.

As I sit here I can hear my granddaughter laughing and I am trying to embrace the memory, because I can't remember my children's laughter. I do remember thinking, "I will never forget these moments", but I did forget. How did that happen? The guilt ways heavy on me every day!

If anyone gets anything out of this, please, please remember not to blink! Life happens so fast. Amazingly as I write this sentence I am reminded of me being in John Muir Elementary school in Hoffman Estates in math class and the teacher asked us to do a math problem using our selves. The problem was, how old will you be in the year 2000. I remember doing the math  and thinking 36 is so far away, and man will I be old. I look back now and see how fast 36 has come and gone and that is not old. I see now that was just a flash of time, it happened so quick, in reality I BLINKED.

So Don't Blink! Life goes like a fast. Give love, respect. Take a moment and listen to this song, it will be well worth your 5 minutes and 7 seconds.

Boy is my psychologist in for a ride next week, now that I came up with.