Friday, September 6, 2013

Scared

I am really scared to start this, but here it goes. My name is Beth and I am 40 something; sorry I will not even tell my self the truth of my age. I was a stay at home mom for more years then I can even believe. I will not lie it was the most important job I could do in life. I was far from perfect put I did the best for my kids that I could. I have made many mistakes, but my goal was to give my kids the best childhood I could. They were and are the most important thing in my life, people use to call me an earth mom; I guess because I kind of resembled one after awhile.
In many ways it was a complement, because they could not believe everything evolved around my kids in my eyes and yet to see the goddess, I realized I resembled her. No matter what I told myself, nothing mattered but my kids. I did not spend money or go to doctors because it would take away from my kids. Over the years it really started to take a toll on me and I was loosing a battle with my health, so I finally broke down and went to a clinic to find out what was going on with me.
I have now been on that journey of my health for over 12 years, at first things started to work and then it went down hill. The best way I can say this is, the doctors were going to fix me, well they did that alright. I gained even more weight after a year of steroids, I now have more problems then what I started with and almost lost my life 31/2 years ago. I left the hospital with my life, thank heavens, but I could not walk more then a couple of feet at time. I swore I would make a difference some way some how, even though I felt I was fighting a loosing battle. I have come along way in three and half years, but I have so much further to go. I have changed many aspects in my life, but my medical problems still fallow me because I can't get rid of this weight. This is the scariest part for me, so here it goes...I am only 5'1" if I am lucky and I weigh just under 300 lbs. OMG I actually said it. I still can't breath I am so scared to say this.
I will tell more stories about the past as I go along, but I needed to say this part first and for most because it is the hardest thing for me to admit. I don't allow any one in my past to see me because I am so ashamed. Just this past couple months I have found doctors who are willing to help me over come this and have explained to me that I am fitting a battle that is one of the hardest to over come. Because I have has so many health problems in the past, I have literally stopped my metabolism.  I have gone through so many programs to make this weight go away with no success. I feel like a complete failure. I am not perfect by any means but when I put my best foot forward I always find a way to succeed, yet with this I never have.
I will say this I am not giving up on my battle, because as I said before my children are my world and I want to be here to enjoy every moment I can with their life journeys and of course I am learning to enjoy my lifes journeys now.
My friends now can't keep up with me, and can't figure out how I keep going when some of them are half my age and of course more then half my weight and I run them into the ground. I love life and I love all the challenges I am facing I just don't love the "vehicle" I am traveling in to move through my journeys of life. I want the old me back.
I know this picture is old, but it is one of my favorites because it was a very happy time for me. What is really funny is remembering how fat I thought I was next to my girlfriend. I wish I knew then what I know now, I would have know how to work my self esteem better. I was actually quite beautiful and did not even know it, because I did not look like my friend who all the guys loved. Boy was I wrong!!
Any ways I am going to get back the body I had before kids, I will never be the young me, but I will have the older me who rocks life.
1,2, 3 breath, I have finally admitted the hardest part of my life. If you are some one from my past please don't gasp with air when you read this, just know this is my life's journey for some reason, and I will make it through just to see what is waiting for me on the other side.
If you are still with me, I am going to continue to post as I go along, and I will not hold back and tell you everything I have been through, what I will be going through. Maybe some stuff that might surprise you, because some of them surprise me. <3