Saturday, September 7, 2013

Can I Face this Challenge?

Monday is right around the corner, this will be my first appointment with the doctor who says he can change my life, again. I am always Leary when a Doctor says he can help me. I always had one doctor my whole life and when I moved away I never went to a doctor as I said before. When I finally did because I was tired and had no sex drive (my husband was not understanding and went elsewhere) oh yeah, and my hair was falling out. The doctor fixed me alright, dissolved my thyroid and put me on steroids to fix my eye from the Graves’ disease. Then It all went downhill from there. I was still tired, my hair was still falling out and sex was not even in my vocabulary. but to top it all off other problems started to pile on.

            I gained so much weight I could not even look at myself in a mirror any more, and still can't to this day. Do you even know how hard that is, everywhere seems to be a reflection?
Going off the path for a moment, my bank has these new drive ups that have video cameras going so you can see the teller up close and personal, but when he walks away the camera reverts back to you and you see yourself. cREEPY!!  Especially when you can't stand the sight of yourself, my son loves it, he sits and makes all kinds of faces and enjoys his reflection.

Back to what I was saying; then the fun really began. I could no longer sleep and started to hallucinate, it scared the hell out of me and my family. I was the only one who could drive and I would fall asleep at the wheel. I had to stop driving when it was bad, because I was so afraid. My kids would grab the wheel and yell mom, I was stuck between a rock and and a hard place, I had no one to help me get my kids where they needed to be. I can hear you now, but I had to keep going, I had no choice. Please don’t judge! I am just being plan honest, I had no other choice at the time. 

over time brought on the heart problems. The final topper was three and half years ago, when I could not come out of one of my episodes, I could hear everything around me and even talk to my kids when they finally got home. But I could not wake up, I am not sure to this day if I called my husband or if the kids did, but I remember saying or thinking I am dying.  I don't remember anything except when I realized I was in the ER waiting for the doctors, I was able to open my eyes look around and that was it, gone again. The next thing I remember is waking up in my hospital room.  That is where I learned how bad I was. I have congestive heart failure and am lucky to be alive, I already I knew I had asthma, but then the laundry list just started to grow.

This was right before I went into the hospital; the only thing amazing about this picture is my babies around me.
(p.s. I still can’t believe I am letting you see me)

I still have these problems, and I am fighting them every day, every time I think I am making head way, I end up back in the hospital again. I look like a gutted pig on my stomach and the other day I realized I don’t even have a belly button anymore, because of the amount of surgeries.  You ask how did I just notice this? Well, it is easy I don’t look in the mirror and I hate touching any part of my body that is huge, i.e. my stomach. 

I walk around in a cloud most of the time because it is easy to forget the hell I go through every day.  Probably not the smartest thing I could have done, but I did not know what else to do. I had to take care of the kids and they were always my priority. They are older now and I am starting to realize if I don’t take care of me, I will not be around to see them become amazing people and I will not be able to love my grandbabies from the grave. 

I am sorry if this seems like I ramble, but I have so much to say and when I write this I feel like a load has been lifted off my shoulders. Today I actually walked around with my son, not caring what other said or did behind my back. Most people who know me will be surprised by this, because I have always walked around with a persona of not caring what other think and I have taught  my kids that, but deep down inside it hurts, and it hurts bad.
Another side note, to give you an example of the pain of words has on me. I was out with the family and pulled into a 7-11 some guy with a pickup truck came flying out of the parking spot and when I beeped at him to let him know that he almost hit me and to stop, he backed up further and pulled up to my window and said, “slow down bitch the chips will still be there when you get in.” and then he flew off. I did not let the kids see me, but when I got home I hide and cried like no other. I can still hear his words and they go straight to my core. 

Funny thing is I feel as thin as a rail in my head, but reality hits and I see the truth, but I know this journey is for a reason, and we always don’t know what the reason is right away and in my case it has been a long time, but something tells me the truth will be known soon. 

I have to remember the saying I tell all my young students I help at school, “What would you do if you were not afraid?”