Monday, March 17, 2014

Do We Know Who We Really Are Ever?

Do we know who we really are ever? Just when you think you know things change,  you change. I don't think we ever stay the same person all our lives. The song by Supertramp; the logic song really makes you wonder who you are.

I believe I am starting to change again and I don't know the out come at this point, for an example; Today I was having a discussion about how I am tired of everyone just walking over me, and that I started to speak up. You really have to push me past my breaking point before I say something, then I feel sorry and guilty for having said anything at all. I realized today that I am more like Sonny in Grease, specially the scene  when he is speaking to his friends while he is running his mouth and gets caught by Principal McGee.  It is kind of ironic because I am at a point in my life where I feel like I am tired of the crap. So when he states, ' I just not going to take any of her crap thats all, I don't take no crap from nobody' that is how I feel right now. But the old me would have done exactly what Sonny did when Principal McGee came around the corner.
( just in case you want to see the scene)

Funny how life changes because in my younger years I felt like I was more like Rizzo, not the slutty part that she seems to portray, but the aggressive out going person who was always out to get things done and have a good time doing it, I need to get back to that high self esteem that I have inside of me. Since I have put on this weight I am afraid to go out there and portray that personality unless  you know me. I have been shot down, made fun of, passed over and worst of all looked down at with disgust. I know I am a wonderful person and do amazing things when I am not hiding from others, but the looks always remind me of my shame and the disgust of my self; as I stated before I can't even look at my self in a mirror or window and god forbid I see my shadow. UGH!!!

Funny thing is I use to have my hair cut like this most of my life. I miss being that strong. In 30 days I will be under the knife to get my life and health back. I am scared as hell and excited all at the same time. I am afraid of the unknown, this is not something I have ever experienced and when you hear the horror stories it really makes one wonder if I am doing the right thing. Yet, I know I am, Sorry if I am confusing you, but I am confused myself at this point, so many emotions running through my head every day, I don't know if I am coming or going. I do know I am looking forward to feeling real again, and not that lonely girl in the corner just letting life pass her by.

I look forward to not taking medicine every day, not sleeping with a mask over my face every night, not feeling disgusted when I have to get in the shower or brush my teeth because I might accidentally look in the mirror. I really can't wait to feel what it is like not to worry if I laugh, sneeze or cough and end up peeing my self. One of my most embarrassing moments is when I first gained all this weight after my year of steroids. We were just coming home from a weekend at Indiana beach with the family, there had to be about 20 of us. We stopped to have lunch together before we all had to go separate ways to get home. My asthma was really acting up and I ended up going into a coughing attack at the table in a crowded restaurant. The next thing I know I am peeing all over myself, and I am not talking a little bit. Sorry for this, but it is the only way to describe it. It was running down the chair and on to the floor. Everyone was now staring at me because I was coughing so hard, when my girl friend realized what was happening  to me. she saw the tears running down my face and the scared look of horror between the coughs. she looked down at the floor and saw it just flowing down. I know everyone in the restaurant saw it too after all the noise I was making with my coughing and people were looking over at me. My girlfriend quick grabbed my husbands jacket, because it was the only thing big enough to shield me. I was too afraid to get up and too afraid to stay, a feeling I never want to feel again. As I said above I can't wait to not have that fear in my life anymore. I don't go places that are far from a bathroom and I always wear dark pants just in case. funny how I can be excited to be normal again. I will end on this note for now.